I've Never Felt Like I Fit In, Anywhere.

In a study I've been doing, in one of the week's sessions, I was asked a question that should have been short and simple to answer.  And it was, at first.  I answered and moved on.  But by the next day, or the day after that, God began using that question to really encourage me to dig in and remember what He had taught me years ago regarding this aching to belong.  

"Where do you find your sense of love and belonging?"

My initial answer was short and sweet but honest:  'Ouch.  This is hard to face.  I want to say as a child of God but I fear it's more from my husband but also never feeling like I belong anywhere.  Like, I'm so unique I just don't fit in anywhere fully.'  This was my answer and then I moved on.  However, I noticed myself thinking on this more and more and finding myself getting grouchier and crabbier with each thought about it that made it's way to the surface of my mind, I couldn't quite figure out why this was beginning to stir in me and affect me as much as it was.  I was driving and mulling through my thoughts and sharing them with God asking Him about it and the Spirit so gently reminded me.  He reminded me that He has called me to be missional and if I were to get too comfortable within a group of friends, my zeal to invest in nonbelievers or young/new Christians would be numbed.  He doesn't ever let me get too comfortable for the sole purpose of becoming too comfortable.  He wants me to be not only ready and willing when He calls and prompts me but eager; and in the comfort of belonging, I wouldn't be.  He also reminds me that this is not my home; that I will never quite fit in or feel completely at home with a group of people because He has given me that restlessness to keep me focused on my heavenly home, which helps me number my days, which keeps me focused on being missional.  He reminds me that there will be a time and a place for feeling like I completely belong and am completely understood but that is not in this world/life.  And in the gap of this world and my heavenly home, He calls me to cling to Him, the only One who truly knows me, and He promises that He will fill all my needs and all the voids if I have the courage and take the time to let Him.  

Beyond the Wreckage

A horrible stupid mistake.  One absent minded decision put a man in the hospital, totaled my husband’s car, and broke a city street light.  I walked away with bruises and a concussion and a man I don't know and never saw was taken away in an ambulance.  And it was my fault.  I can’t go back and do it differently.  I can’t take his place no matter how much I wish I could.  A firefighter tried to lessen my obvious guilt and worry for the man they’d just removed from the truck that had smashed into a street pole by informing me, “Looks like he’s broken his leg, nothing life threatening.”  The man screamed in pain as a team of men placed him on board and pulled him out of the truck.  What overwhelming guilt.  Over the next seven days I struggled.  I was in physical pain, suffering from PTS, and wrecked with guilt and shame.  I distracted myself by watching feel-good upbeat movies because every idle moment resulted in replaying getting hit head on by a 55 mph truck over and over in my head.

One night, I had fallen asleep watching one of these movies, my husband came to bed later and began watching an action movie.  At some point in the movie a car honked, tires shrieked, and I shot up screaming in panic.  “You’re fine.  You’re fine.  You’re fine,” I tried telling myself but I couldn’t stay in bed.  I got up and went to the living room and just sobbed and sobbed.  I’ve never experienced trauma to this degree.  I hope I never do again.  I kept clinging to truth, ‘God’s going to teach me something through this.’  But the reality was that I was paralyzed where I was by guilt and shame.  I felt like I deserved it too.  I needed to punish myself.  I fretted over the man wondering how he was.  I tried to get any sort of update on the man by the way of an officer who had been on the scene and my insurance company but they knew nothing.  Each day got a little better; a little.  By day six, I had to tell myself ‘he’s on the road to recovery now.  He’s probably home, casted, and healing physically and trying to move past the trauma as I was minus, the guilt and shame.  I hoped he wasn’t angry at me; I hoped he wasn’t bitter but I believed he probably was because I deserved it.  A war was raging in me.  A war between horrific shaming myself and recognizing I am human and all accidents are caused by someone making a mistake.  I felt like I was winning the war on my shame and getting to a pretty good place all things considering, and then day seven from the wreck rolled around.  I received a call about 1:00 in the afternoon.  My daughter had had speech therapy so I was out when my insurance company called.  I picked it up thinking it was about our car and the man on the other end began informing me without any hesitation, “the man involved in the accident suffered two broken bones in his leg requiring surgery on them and pins needing to be put in them, a broken pelvis, and two broken vertebrae.  He is still in the hospital.  His vertebrates may require surgery as well and then he has a long road of therapy ahead of him.”  I wanted to let the grief I had for this man drown me.  All I could muster out was, “is he…or…is there he a risk for paralysis?”  “No,” he replied.  “Can you please call my husband and tell him all this?  I just can’t process it all.”  I hung up and thought, ‘you’ve got to hold it together.  You have to get from here to home so hold it together.’  I loaded my littles up and headed home.  My husband began texting and calling me frantically (naturally concerned for what all I was undoubtedly struggling with) but I knew if I stopped to text or answered the call I would lose it and I couldn’t lose it.  I had to get home.  I just had to make it home.  As I pulled up in the drive, my brother’s car was parked out front.  He had come to get all the kids to take them bowling.  ‘Ok,’ I told myself, ‘you made it home now just hold it together until they leave.’  I entered the house.  Said hi as best I could, went to put my purse and shoes away and just couldn’t hold it in any longer.  The grief, sadness and guilt came rushing over me and I couldn’t hold back the tears.  I went out into the living room and muttered the words to my bother- something about “I can’t…. can you just get them out yourself?”  He said, “yep.” And I retreated to my bedroom and let it all swallow me up.  I felt crushed by the weight of the guilt.  It was excruciating.  I couldn’t take it.  I felt a weight on me that I’ve never felt before.  Between the sobs all I could say over and over is “Jesus.  Jesus, it’s too much, Jesus.  It’s too much, Jesus.”  Over and over.  After a few minutes of heart wrenching crying, a fellow homeschool mom/friend popped into my head.  Her husband had been the victim of an even worse accident four years ago.  If I couldn’t connect with the victim from my accident, at least I couldn’t connect with a victim.  I called her, not expecting her to answer but she did.  “I’m not really sure why I’m calling you,” sounding obviously upset, “you just popped into my head and I picked up the phone and called…” I began telling her about the wreck that had happened, what I had been experiencing, and where I was at now.  She shared a lot of comforting words with me.  The two things that I really took away were, “you have to take all the guilt and shame and lay it down at the foot of the cross.  You have to rest in His grace,” and “we were advised and told that we can never make contact with the kid who hit my husband.  We know who he is and where he lives but we can’t got to him and tell him that that wreck was the best thing that ever happened to us, for my husband.  That we forgive him and it’s ok.”

            As we hung I began processing everything she said and talking to God.   “God, if the roles just could’ve been reversed…you know me…I could’ve shown that man Jesus.  I would’ve forgiven him, I would have told him ‘accidents happen and it’s ok; I’m not angry at you.  I would’ve shown him Jesus.  I would’ve encouraged him to come visit me in the hospital and loved on him.”

        “I know that,” God said to me.  “But I had things to teach you through this.”

            The rest of that afternoon and evening, I can’t even write words to describe it.  I just began taking every thought surrounding the accident captive and surrendering it to the cross. A moment by moment war with every single thought.

            The next morning, I had more peace than I had and up to that point.  My friends’ words still pressing on me.  'Lay it at the cross, let his grace be enough.' I recall praying, in response to her sharing they were not allowed to talk to the man, “OK, Lord.  Even if I never know for the rest of my life how he’s doing, I will trust that You are working good in that man and use everything as a means to draw us both closer to You.  I trust You.  I ask that that man come to a place of forgiveness, not for my sake but because I know what a cancer of the soul bitterness, anger, and unforgiveness are.  Free him from that and use this for Your glory in his life.”

            I went to counseling that morning with Shane by my side and I felt like I was in a peaceful place by this point.  There was still grief but I was free from shame.  When I shared everything through the tears, we all went before God and the counselor had me ask Him, “God, what do you want me to know in this?”  I listened.  “MY grace needs to be enough,” He said.  I took that as enough in everything, not just this accident, but every aspect of your life.  “You’ve been struggling with guilt and shaming yourself- you're harder on yourself more than anyone else is on you and you’ve been asking Me why that is and begging, for years, to help you stop doing that.”

            ...Then the Spirit placed this thought in my head: it’s like when you pray for patience.  God doesn’t give you patience, He gives you opportunities to practice patience.  I felt God say in that moment “You want to be freed from self shaming?  Well child of mine, here you go.  Here’s something so overwhelmingly hard to carry on your shoulders- the weight of it will crush you to the point of surrender- then you will know my grace and your shame will be no more.  My grace needs to be enough.”  There is peace.  There is peace from resting in the faith and knowledge of God’s promise that He is working His will in that man’s life and there is peace in the freedom that comes in surrendering EVERYTHING to the cross.  The grief is still there, but trauma is still there, but I am free from shame.  I am free from guilt.  I am free when I surrender it all.

               Opening myself up to fully experience His grace has allowed me to extended this same grace He gives me, with gentleness, patience, love to all others when they "fall short" and to recognize that we all grow and learn at different times and in different areas than others.  God has been patient with me as I grow at my own pace.  He has been gracious to me in lovingly wooing me to Himself, by speaking to me through Holy Spirit many many times, by being the perfect Father and counselor I need.  He has loved me in answering even the quietest of prayers in my heart.  Prayers, wishes really, that I had whispered to Him in my heart on occasion and as He answered those hopes, hearing Him say, "I do this because I love you."  I hear Him in the hardest times of life when I don't think I can take much more, "I do this because I love you."  It hurts, I hate it, I wish those hard moments would be taken away but I know it's producing something in me that He knows would only come to light by allowing those hard times to happen and I trust it fully, because His grace is enough.  Recognizing that God calls me to be an ambassador of Jesus to all those around me and that my life could point and even woo people to Him if I choose to fully receive His grace and to fully, without condition, extend that same grace to others who are no more worthy than I was to receive it myself.  His grace is enough.

Christians Are Hypocrites

I hear this a lot from people who are out on church and view Christians as nothing more than hypocrites.  They are right, we are.  We are sinful and in need of a savior from our sin.  It's what makes God's grace so amazing!  We don't have to do anything to change ourselves before receiving God's gift of His salvation from our sin.  We do not have to be perfect; through our belief in Jesus, we become perfect in God's sight.  Jesus covers all our inequities!  But for Christians there is a level of responsibility we have that we will be held accountable to.

2 Corinthians 6:1 & 3

As God's fellow workers [Christians], we urge you not to receive God's grace in vain.... We put not stumbling block in anyone's path, so that our ministry will not be discredited.

As Christians, even though we receive the grace of God through the salvation of Jesus, we should not live in vain anymore.  Living for oneself is doing this; with thoughts of 'What's in it for me?' 'How is this helping me?' 'I need me time.' 'It's time to put me first.' 'How is the satisfying me?' 'Do what feels good.' 'Rid yourself of any negative people because, afterall, its all about making yourself happy.'  This is what our culture is screaming.  I see it all the time on social media.  Constantly scrolling through my FB feed.  The worldly inspirational sayings with the intention of inspiring us.  But how do these inspirational sayings hold up to God's Word, His view, His opinion?  2 Corinthians makes it very clear that we are "not to receive God's grace in vain." All of these 'it's all about me' approaches that these popular sayings slowly conform us overtime to is exactly this: living in vain, or, for my own gain, self, happiness.  This is not "loving others more than yourself" (Phil. 2:3).  This is not being selfless and living for something so much bigger than yourself and this life.  No wonder Christians are discontent with their church, people, their job, their day to day grind.  They're living in vain.

The word ecclesia, or the church, in the New Testament was translated as "a movement."  It was the movement of a new way to love, a new understanding of  God as never before.  Sweeping through the hearts of people.  When did the church shift from this mindset of a "movement" to be all about how it is satisfying me and filling me and what programs do they have for me and my kids?  How is this loving others more than ouselves?  It's not!  It's living a Christian life, full of God's grace, in vain.

Living to love others more than our self rather than looking at what we're getting out of it (it being anything: church, people, your job, etc.) will put  NO stumbling block for anyone considering the gospel- "so that our ministry will not be discredited."     Don't be a stumbling block!  As a Christian, don't focus on what you can get out of it, what's in it for you, or how is this satisfying you.  It's not about you!  Take your focus off yourself and make it all about loving others and we will no longer be known as a church full of hypocrites but as a church that truly loves people; even people who are NOTHING like them!  Then we will not discredit the very thing we are trying to do- to reach people with the gospel.  Being a church for unchurched is everything to do with loving others more than yourself and making the environments not to fit and please Christians (because it's not about us) but rather those who are far away from God or who have been out on church.  Only when you are truly doing this, dying to yourself, will you grow spiritually in ways you never knew possible and only then, will you be a person who does not discredit the ministry of the gospel.  

Solomon's Struggle is my Struggle

I'm in an extreme King Solomon's meaningless life moment.  What is the freakin point of it all?!!  Seriously, struggling with the will to live.  Not that actually reads this but on the off chance that someone does, no need to start panicking and call a hotline on my behalf, I won't ever do anything to act on that.  I'm too afraid to be seen as that incredibly selfish and the disappointing look on God's face if I did do that and met Him after having done so.  But for real, there is NO POINT to any of it!  It's tiring, unending, monotonous, empty, unfulfilling, lonely, hard, and exhausting.  If everything under the sun is meaningless then what is the point of all of this?  If we are supposed to find all our satisfaction in God then why are we here?  Why do we keep on living?  Why don't we just do that in His presence in heaven where there won't be Satan to jack with our thoughts and emotions and relationships?  I don't know how to find complete joy in my Lord... complete satisfaction in Him on this earth.  And He even says to us we never will.  We will always be incomplete the final day so what is the FREAKING point?!!!  None of it makes sense!  None of it!  I'm so exhausted with life!  I'm exhausted with this calling I'm exhausted with the spiritual attacks as a result of being obedient to this calling, I'm exhausted with sacrificially loving on people non stop and getting no feelings or evidence of love in return.  I can't do it anymore and I don't know how to stop without disappointing my husband, confusing my kids, and hurting the church.  Then there's a WHOLE bunch of pressure in that as well.  It's just too much.  I feel crushed and pinned; unable to do anything about it.  I keep waiting for my It's a Wonderful Life moment where after all these years I've spent serving, helping, giving up of myself to help others then, when I need help most, they'll all come to help me out in my desperate time of need.  But I'm not seeing that.  Despite reaching out and asking over 40 people to help us on three different occasions; only two people showed up.  Two.  I'm thankful for those two; don't get me wrong.  Those two kept me from completely deflating and walking out on church.  Everyone is too busy to love others.  and it's sad.  it makes life meaningless.

Why We Don't See Miracles

Acts 7:54-60

54 When the members of the Sanhedrin heard this, they were furious and gnashed their teeth at him. 55 But Stephen, full of the Holy Spirit, looked up to heaven and saw the glory of God, and Jesus standing at the right hand of God. 56 “Look,” he said, “I see heaven open and the Son of Man standing at the right hand of God.”

57 At this they covered their ears and, yelling at the top of their voices, they all rushed at him, 58 dragged him out of the city and began to stone him. Meanwhile, the witnesses laid their coats at the feet of a young man named Saul.

59 While they were stoning him, Stephen prayed, “Lord Jesus, receive my spirit.” 60 Then he fell on his knees and cried out, “Lord, do not hold this sin against them.” When he had said this, he fell asleep.

            Wow!  I could write like four separate studies just on these six verses alone!  I've chosen to focus on one of the four that popped out at me.

This is such an incredible moment in the movement of the church!

v. 55 "But Stephen, being full of the Spirit, looked up to heaven and saw the glory of God, and Jesus standing at the right hand of God."

             It is when we are being persecuted at its hardest that we see God in His fullness.  All throughout scripture when people's lives are being threatened for the sake of God, He is present in that situation; either performing a miracle to save them as we see twice in the life of Daniel written in the Old Testament as well as many others throughout the Bible or being present as a source of comfort as we see here with Stephen.  Stephen, in his last moments of earthly life, was in the presence of the Trinity of God.  This helped him focus not on the pain of being stoned, not on the fear of being killed, not on the struggle to fight for his innocence as he was falsely accused, but on the only thing that really matters; his gaze was on the Father, the Son, and he was filled with the Holy Spirit.  -The everlasting and all that really matters.

              Oh! That I would have the humble privilege to be persecuted at such a degree that I might see the glory of God in such a way as I'm ushered into His presence in heaven.  Yes, I know it sounds absolutely senseless and deranged.  But how quick we are to chose an earthly life of comfort over path that leads to woes or martyrdom for the glory of God and all the while we grovel and complain asking God why He doesn't ever reveal Himself through miracles like the ones told in the Bible.  I would venture to say that I believe He still does.  God's work is never broadcasted by the media or the world because, as the Bible says, "this world does not know Me [Jesus]."  Why you don't see those in your own personal life?

Many people long for the chance to witness a miracle but not very many are willing to place themselves in such a harsh situation that they need one.

God, 

I am available.  At whatever cost, I am Yours, for Your glory.  Give me the strength in those harsh moments to be filled with this courage to choose You at whatever cost; to see You and be filled with an everlasting peace that surpasses my current circumstances or the threat that weighs upon me.  May my life be a living sacrifice for You and may I witness a miracle from You in that moment.  Oh, that I might see the glory of your fullness no matter the cost!  You are all that matters.  My life is Yours.  ~ Amen

It's Not Fair!

Acts 6:1-7

Observation:
         In this situation, one group began feeling like their widows were being neglected and overlooked over another group.The disciples acknowledged that this matter needs to be addressed but at the same time sort of, seeing the bigger picture, recognized that this was such a petty thing in comparison to advancing the gospel.

Application:
        Often, I feel this way with my children.  When they are whining or complaining about anything that seems petty to me- through an adult lens.  I instantly want to chastise them and scold them for making a mountain out of a molehill or not recognizing that there is such a bigger picture in the grand scheme of things!  What I fail to recognize, is seeing in their little hearts, that we were designed for a perfect, balanced, just, and fair world.  Just as our souls long for a home that is not here (it's heaven), something in us cries out over the injustice and unfairness of a situation.  Instead of shaming them for a way we are all designed to long for and chastise them for not understanding and recognizing this, I must acknowledge, as the disciples did, and make the most of this opportunity to teach them to understand the cause of the injustice and the sin that wrecked His perfectly balanced design.  I must teach them to approach our now broken world and broken people, and our broken hearts with His grace.  Yes, compared to an older more mature person their problem seems petty when placed in the light of the travesties around the globe but loving them and seeing them as Jesus sees all of us would look like wading into their mess (as petty as it may seem) and helping them come up with a solution in the midst of the injustice of their little world as a means to point them to Jesus.  We as Christian parents, have the unique and incredible responsibility of pointing our children's little tender hearts to Jesus or to turn them away based on how we respond to them.  Now, will they grow up and turn away from God solely because we didn't do this?  Some may wrestle more than others as adults based off of how we conducted ourselves and what we taught them but let's face it, God is bigger than our sin too!  However, we do have the privilege of being used by God to fuel His plan for our children's lives by how we conduct ourselves and what we communicate to them.  Wade into their little world of brokenness, teach them to recognize our need for a savior and the world's need for us to extend grace given to us by Jesus, come up with a solution to address the injustice, and as verse five says in chapter six of Acts, "this proposal pleased the whole group...."

     Father, 
    
    Thank you for your love and grace.  For your patience to continually put up with such petty problems in my life and love me enough to enter into those and help me.  Thank you for my children and provide so many teachable moments for me and also help me to have a deeper understanding of Your love for Your creation.  I need you to help me get these moments right.  That I may come out of a conflict or problem my children are having with one another or with someone else and use it as a means to show them Your compassion by recognizing this hurt and acknowledging that their desire for justice and fairness is right because that's how we were designed but also to keep it in check to not make sure it is a purely selfish motive and also show them Your grace that we get to not only experience because of the brokenness but that we get to be used to extend it to and show it to others and allowing that to point people more to You.  Give me the wisdom and the words to communicate this to my children.  Give me the patience to take the time to do this well and the discernment to know when their little hearts are rightfully broken due to longing for a perfect world or when it is merely their selfish motives that need to be addressed.  Thank you Father for Your Word and Your example through it that teaches us to reflect Your Son to others.

                                                                                                          ~ Amen

The Gospel should have NEVER made it out of the First Century

Acts 5:21-39


Observation:  A Pharisee, Gamaliel, who was honored by all the religious leaders of the Sanhedrin, spoke about two different men who were raising up a revolt that had both died.  After their deaths, both times, their followers dispersed and it all came to nothing.  They were certain this would happen with Jesus having just died not to too long before.
        Gamaliel himself said, "if their [apostles] purpose or activity is of human origin, it will fail.  But if it is from God, you will not be able to stop these men; you will only find yourself fighting against God."
        The gospel story, without God's sovereign hand protecting and fueling it, would have never made it out of the first century.  But it did!  It's lasted thousands and thousands of years and spread across the whole world!  A simple son of a carpenter, born in a stable, who only spent three years in the public's eye, and taught the most radical teachings that have ever been taught in the history of the world, is still not only being taught and shared but is changing people's lives and bringing healing in the broken areas, hope in the darkest moments, and joy in the midst of sorrow!  Not because of something He said or taught, but because of what people saw.  A man, coming back to life, after being dead for three days and for forty days following He was seen alive by hundreds of people, and then seeing Him ascend into heaven.

     Father, 
             You are mighty and powerful.  No man or spiritual force can stop You.  You are great and Your plans cannot be shaken.  Your Holy Spirit reveals to those You choose and reveals to us all we need to know.  Great are Your Lord and worthy of our praise!  Jesus, You endured so much, You sacrificed so much.  You are full of love, grace, patience, kindness, and You give hope to the broken world.  It's through You and in You that we are called children of God.  Because Your Holy Spirit reveals to those You choose and You reveal to each of us all we need to know, who am I to ever think anyone else should be as I am.  For you take each of us on a spiritual journey, those that allow themselves to by You, and you reveal different things to different people at different times.  Help me see every person as You see them; uniquely created and designed by You and Your pursuit for them.  Let me help point people to You in doing this rather than reacting or behaving in a way that will detract them from You.  May I never expect anyone to get or agree with what You revealed to me but rather recognize and see all Your revealing to others too.  And let that grow my understanding, compassion, patience, gentleness, kindness, selflessness, and make me more like Your Son who "did not come to be served, but to serve."
                                                                                                                     Amen