"No matter where you go, there you are."
Such a simple sentence yet so profound. I don't know about you but this sounds comes across in a negative way to me. The idea that you can't escape you. You can't get away from you. At the end of the day you're still the one you're living with and are stuck with and that you are the one who needs the work and what is causing all the problems. Which begs the question, 'do I even like myself?' I didn't use to. I used to hate so much about me and see far more about who I was as a negative liability to the world and all those around me. I was perplexed at God for making me the way He did. I thought He played some cruel joke on me to call me to be so many things in scripture that were so far opposite of who I was. To be gentle (I am strong in spirit), meek (I am aggressive), self-controlled (I have a short fuse), patient (I am hasty), submissive (I challenge everything and everyone). I was so far from being these that I couldn't even see a road map of how to get there. So all I saw in myself was what a disappointment I was. I saw brokenness, disobedience, and hopelessness. No matter where I went, there I was and I hated who I was. Then in July of 2018, I caused a major car accident (I wrote a blog about it) which began to take me on a journey to see God and myself through a different lens-- a lens of grace. God's abundant, never-ending grace. Which allowed me to begin to look upon myself with grace. Which led me to seeing the beauty in how He did design me. I grew so much as a result of that car accident which spring-boarded me into a new found sense of how God truly sees me. However, in the last year or two, I noticed in the full essence of grace and unconditional and abounding love, a feeling of conditional and limited began to slowly creep in. Which, I then started becoming hard on myself and frustrated with myself that I couldn't stay consistently in that space of knowing and I wrestled, once again, with self-condemning and being disappointed in where I was at and the things I wrestled with. I found myself questioning if I'd ever get it and ever really change or if I was doomed to a life of struggle and backsliding-- a hopelessness would rear it's ugly head from time to time. I'm not sure if God began to take me on a journey or if He used this struggle I was having to lead me on the journey but either way, I've been on a journey the past year and half to sink deeper into knowing His love and grace for me. And to allow that knowledge to become a deep knowing in me. I am currently researching and writing a study called Abide which is literally just learning to Abide, or remain, in this knowing. To help me grow in the area of continually being with God.
I recently read a sentence in a book called "An Unhurried Leader" by Alan Fadling (excellent book) and a line in that book stuck out and struck me to the core and has even begun to take the place of the saying, "No matter where you go, there you are" within me. The sentence? "God finds pleasure in me when I am not much of a pleasure even to myself." This line struck me to a core. What I didn't realize was that core was covered by more layers that still existed. I thought all the layers had been peeled back and removed but I began to see how there were still some lingering, or some had grown back to take the place of those once removed. Either way, they were there and God was wanting to weed them out. I had begun to dislike myself again and my loving heavenly Father wanted me to know that even when I don't like myself at times, He still does. He will sit with me, with a smile of love on His face, when I am at my worst and He will be with me while still giving me the space to feel this way and work myself out from that by the effects of His love. His love draws me out of that dark place and it is His love that helps me see myself differently, the way He does... to begin to like myself again. The more time I spend with my friend, Jesus, the more I listen to the Holy Spirit speak to me on God's behalf. The more often I am able to lean into acknowledging God's presence with me and consistently stay in that space, the stronger I become in all of this. But even when I lose sight of Him and forget His presence with me, His loving smile presently with me doesn't change. He is consistent even when I am not. He is gracious even when I am not with myself. He is gentle towards me even when I am not. He is patient with me, even when I am not. And the me on the other side of Him, experiencing who He is, begins to change how I see myself and it begins to change who I am. I become more like Him. "The God whom Jesus shows me is a good Father. God wants the best for me. God loves with a love far sweeter than any human love. God finds pleasure in me when I am not much of a pleasure even to myself. And God doesn't have bad days."
Psalm 27:4 One thing I ask from the Lord, this only do I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze on the beauty of the Lord and to seek Him in His temple.
Father, continue to take me deeper into this knowing-- a continual awareness of Your unconditional love and grace. May I learn to walk in Your presence every moment I'm awake and even in my dreams. I want to be near You. "I want to know You, I want to see Your face, I want to know You more." This is my prayer, Father. Draw me close to You. May I be one with You and may all that exists in the world, the things that are not lasting, may they fade away in comparison to being with You. Amen.
