Seasons of Puke and the Supermom Myth

The last twelve days in our home have been filled with 4 of my five children and my husband sick with a virus that they passed around.  My five year old son had it the worst, throwing up 12 times in a 48 hour period; of those 12 times not one surge of queasiness made it in the toilet leaving a perpetual and nasty mess to continually clean up.  Even after symptoms of the virus had left our home, it left everyone feeling sluggish and drained of energy; myself included.  Good times.

Anyhow, whilst all of this was taking place everything in the home got further and further behind.  I tried to stay on top of it all but there was just SO MUCH.  Laundry (washing, drying, folding, ironing, and putting clothes away) for seven piles up fast; especially when you add towels and sheets to the loads too.  Combined with the cumulating daily dishes, preparing meals, house chores, caring for the pets, oh! and lest we not forget the hubby going out of town for work on the tail end of all this awesomeness when my exhaustion is at its height.  The mounds of stuff and the to-do lists piled higher and faster than my determination to conquer them could keep up.  I began to feel defeated among it all.  .....We survived.  And on the last night of the last sick kiddo to have symptoms, my 9 year old son came up to me and hugged me as I was getting them all ready for bed.  And as he did he said, "What would we do without you?  Thank you for all you do for us, Mom."

This struck me.  I have heard many women refer to me as "an amazing woman," and "Supermom."  I have had people tell me, "My!  You must have your hands full," or "How do you do it all?"  and, "I admire you but you are crazy! How do you keep up with laundry, food, home schooling, boundaries, sanity, camping, kids, husband, and the list continues.....??"  But I will tell you, in the moment my son said those breathtakingly sweet words that any mom would swoon upon hearing, I was struck by a revelation of what I have always been aware of intellectually but had never had it impact me in such a tangible way as in had during our season of puke; and that is: what would I do without my family?!  My amazingly wonderful hard working children!  They do SO MUCH of the brunt work around here.  THEY keep this house running along with me!  They do the washing and drying of their laundry, they do the dishes, and they are capable of cleaning of the home and do it along with me, they mow the yard, they take out the trash, they help with meals, and they virtually school themselves.  They are a huge help me!  And then there is my husband, I am amazed everyday how he can leave the stresses and worries of work or ministry at our door step and the moment he enters through our front door he lovingly serves.  He helps with dinner, dishes, bathing the kids, leading the Bible reading and books with the kids and even most days spends some "couch time" with me to catch up on each other. Truth is, I don't do a lot.  I couldn't.  This "Supermom" personae that I have been labeled with by some have not been here to see the inner workings of my home to know how vastly incorrect that title is.  The saying, 'behind every great man is a great woman' could not be further from the truth.  For behind every great woman is her family and leading that family is the Lord God doing His work in their lives!  We are a team, we are a unit, we all work together because we are all a family!  And we all do our part, each individual being responsible for themselves as well as "being their brothers keeper," "loving other more than themselves" because we desire to bring glory to our heavenly Father. So when my son spoke those sweet tender words of thankfulness to me, I ended the evening thanking my boys for ALL that THEY do!  I told them how I could not run this house without their help.  I explained that I could if all of them went to school everyday but because we homeschool and they are home 24/7 it just wouldn't happen without their help!  My children laid their heads on their pillows that evening and we all thanked God, together, for giving us each other- our family!

Day of Defeat Ended in Thankfulness! What?!?!

   What a day filled with defeat!  So many things went wrong today starting with my alarm going off and rather than joyfully getting out of bed to start the day right I reset the alarm for later and got more sleep.  As a result, no morning work out or critical time in the Word.  Already a bad start.  I raced to get myself and two of my boys ready to go to the Dr's and my three year old daughter ready for school.  Went to make myself my dietary smoothie for breakfast and remembered I was out of frozen fruit.  My daughter was on the bus at 7:22 and we were on our way to the Dr.'s at 7:25 with the other two staying home with a Dad/Nana tag team.  I was the first to arrive as a walk-in patient but the door said the opening hours began at 8 and it was 7:45 so we stood outside and waited.  at 7:55 another mom arrived and walked up to where we were at the door.  She asked if it was open to which I told her I didn't know, I was just waiting until 8 like the sign said.  She checked the door and went in to which I held the door and asked the receptionist if we could come in.  We were allowed and the lady who had gone in ahead of me went up the desk and signed her name FIRST on the sign in sheet!  I couldn't believe it!  She knew I had been standing out there first and still signed her name in on the top line.  So she and her daughter were called in first while I stayed in my chair in the waiting room and fumed!  Circumstances like this or worse continued on the rest of the day for me.  It is now 8:00 at night, feels like midnight though, I am exhausted and feeling absolutely defeated by the day.
    Defeated in my own flesh.  Incapable of self-discipline to get up and get in the Word and workout, frustrated I didn't make time yesterday to go to the grocery store to buy the fruit I knew I would need for my smoothies, frustrated I had way too many carbs for my breakfast as a result, angered by a woman who felt entitled to see the Dr. first, lacked patience, quick to anger, and no self-control with my son Jonah, forgetful of my five year old child who wound up sitting in timeout for a minor offense for over an hour, overwhelmed by homeschool curriculum choices and the window of time I once viewed as vast I now see is quickly closing with each, crazy-fast, passing year; and the list goes on.  My flesh is weak.  Far beyond cure.  I am self centered and selfish just like every other human being on the planet.  Sin exists, therefore sin exists in me.  How freeing it is to know that I am not held accountable for my sin.  In those moments when I recognize my flesh welling up squelching the Holy Spirit and strangling His ability to do His work in me, I become overwhelming grateful.  For at first a momentary feeling of defeat rushes in but then the gentleness of the Father reminds me that His love, forgiveness, and patience is unconditional because His Son Jesus the Christ has covered up ALL my transgressions, all of my sin, all of my flesh by paying my price of my deserved death!  Suddenly each moment I recount throughout the day doesn't seem like defeat to me but rather VICTORY!  Did I fail a lot?  Absolutely!  Yet in that, I have experienced God's forgiveness, His unending forgiveness!  I have felt God's love, His overwhelming love for me!  And I have realized His patience, His abounding patience with me!  I am weak, I am a sinner, He is strong, He is holy and capable of all things.  "So I am grateful, that I'm incapable of doing any good on my own!"  I'm thankful that I need Him!  I'm thankful that I am nothing without Him!  He created me, He saved me, He redeemed me, He made me holy in Him, He teaches me and He reminds me of all of this, and I am thankful.

 Although, I want to do good, evil is right there with me.  For in my inner being I delight God's law; but i see another law at work in me, waging a war against the law of my mind and making me a  prisoner of the law of sin at work within me.  What a wretched man am I!  Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death?  Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord! 

Romans 7:21-25

And I Come Alive

We were miraculously blessed with a plot of land two months ago now.  We've been spending our free weekends clearing out the cedar, cactus, and thorns, renting a chipper to mulch it all up, and soon we'll rent a cat to spread the mulch out and uproot the cedar trunks.  It's a gorgeous 2 acre lot full of beautiful oak trees on a cul-de-sac street in a gated community.  It's a short walk from the neighborhood's private access to the San Gabriel River and has views from the front and back of the lot of the Texas hill country.  I am overwhelmed at what an incredibly amazing gift this is!  I never thought this moment would ever happen.  Living on land has been a dream of mine since I was twelve years old and still can scarcely believe it!  

On our second venture out to work on the land one weekend, my brother, Eric and my Mom had also come with us to help us cut down and haul cedar trees into a massive pile.  As we pulled up, unloaded the van, and began walking down the worn out tire track make-shift driveway I could not stop smiling on my face from the joy that swelled up from the depths of my soul.  I put my arm around my Mom and I said to her, "Mom, I come alive here!"  I come alive here.  That is the best way I can describe it.  Everything I feel I was designed to be comes to LIFE on this property!  A wife who works alongside her husband outside on our future, a mother of several little ones who thrive in playing and also working alongside their parents in the canopy of the large old oaks as we're all touched by the cool breeze and serenaded by the birds of song.    Surrounded by the glory of His in the beauty of His creation.  And I come alive.  

 In order to honor the size and age of this tree, we named it "Treebeard" after the tree in the Lord of the Rings Trilogy.

 Caleb and Matt working and Jonah playing in "Spider"

 Treebeard's canopy's shade.

Mulching up cedar.

On our most recent visit there.  The kids were in the van and Kayli had not said anything the whole drive there.  We pulled into the neighborhood and went through the gate and as we were driving down the neighborhood's roads to our street, out of know where Kayli says, "Happy."  I asked her, "Are you happy , Kayli?"  "Yes," she replied.  "Do you like going to the property, Kayli?" I asked her.  "Yes," she answered again.  This was the first time ever she's expressed an emotion she was feeling!  I am thrilled that it had to do with our land and the time we've been spending together there as a family!  It's been wonderful!

We have plans for our future; but they are just that, our plans.  They may never come to be as we desire the Lord's will above our own.  (Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you...declares the Lord....")  After all, our lives are His first always.  We want to be in His will because that will be better than anything we decide and make for ourselves.  So we're planning to begin building in 10 months, but we're planning with an open hand metaphorically.  We're not clenching this dream in our hearts with a "closed fist" but rather placing that plan in an open hand knowing that at, any moment, God may desire to take that plan away for something else He has planned.  This causes tension within me to think about in the present- that our plan might not happen, but I know that if/when He calls us to whatever He has planned, He will prepare our hearts for it at the right time.  But for now we have dreams of a tire swing, a tree house or two, a zip line, a chicken coop, a bench swing, and many, many, many, family memories to come!  And my I come alive!

Norcross Family on our property April 2013

Lord, thank you for this incredible blessing you've allowed to happen.  I'm not sure what the future holds; but I know You know.  And I know Your plans are far better than what I could dream of.  May we live according to Your will and Your plans for us.  May our hearts not become hardened to whatever task you call us to.  If it is Your will, may we be able to build in a year.  May our children have thousands of memories and a great life's foundation from living on this land.  May we have a home on this lot that will be a haven and get-away for all who visit it.  May people draw closer to You just from visiting this home and land.  And may it always be for Your glory!  But if for some reason You don't want us to build here, may we enjoy the time that we do have as we're working on it, and may You prepare our hearts to let it go when the time comes.  Thank you, Dad.  Amen."

A Wearied Soul

My wayward soul is stretched out thin

 across the marred and desolate plain.  

Desperate hands searching for a foreign yet familiar block

 to grasp and clench hold of- this stumbling block.

My eyes will scan the horizon of hope

 until my weary empty gaze falls on Him.  

And there, in that still and solitude moment, 

I will be filled again.  I will be filled again.

alana norcross

Letting A Dream Die So I Can Live

For over 20 years now I have had a dream.  What it is is not what is important.  What God is teaching me through dreaming it is.  The dream is slowly dying and I feel as though a huge chunk of my heart is dying with it.  I want desperately to just pull the plug and end this agonizing but something in me cannot seem to do that.  I want the dream to die so that that part of me can begin to live.  I've been hoping for a miracle and that hasn't happened and I feel as though that's just not what God had in store for me.  I feel selfish anytime I think of wanting this dream over Shane going into church ministry or the ability to give more money to our church if we make our dream happen.  Who am I to desire something so temporary in this world and and something that is so fleeting when there are eternal things we could be investing in?  I am not quite sure of the lessons God is teaching me through all this or the person He's trying to "shape" me into.  All I know is it hurts.  It aches in my bones- our inability to know what to do: to hold onto this dream or put it down.  I do not feel as though I can continue holding it with an open hand for Him to allow or take as He pleases.  I am weary from it.  So many big life altering decisions.  I just want to say NO to everything so I can just have some peace inside and begin to work toward contentment.  I am so tired of hoping and dreaming big only to have it seem so close for a moment then get snatched away.  Oh, how I long for the dream. How I long to be able to let all of it go so the longing doesn't consume and engulf me.  I know I say, "I want Your will" all the time.  So why can't I let go of these dreams when they're clearly not His will?  This roller coaster ride of "on again off again dream" leaves me useless for His kingdom work and stirs up bitterness and resentment in my heart that I just want to be rid of.  I desperately want it snuffed out of me.  I want to be free.  'God, rescue me from the agony and sadness.'  To say "I quit" on my dreams is more than I can do at this point.  (My flesh is weak.)  There is too much agonizing and deep pain and mourning that comes with it.  'DAD, I need you to comfort me.  Please be near me.  I need You here in the midst of my sadness and grieving.  I feel as though I've lost something that has been such a huge part of me for so so very long and I don't feel as though I can let it go.  Will You help me, Lord?  I know living for You is a sacrifice.  "Pick up your cross and follow Me," You say.  Leave everything and follow You.  'Father, Please help me do this.  I need You.  Every hour I need You.  I need You.'  

"And my God will meet all your needs

according to the riches of His glory in Christ Jesus."

Philippians 4:19

Chords That Cannot Be Broken

My prayer is not for them alone.  I pray also for those who will believe in Me through their message, that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in Me and I am in You may they also be in us so that the world may believe that You have sent me.  I have given them to the glory that You gave Me, that they may be one as We are one: I in them and You in Me.  May they be brought to complete unity to let the world know that You sent Me and have loved them even as You have loved Me."                                                

 John 17:20-23

The cry of Jesus's heart to God, His deepest desire for believers, was for Christians to be unified as one just as He and His Father are one. Jesus knew this would be an ongoing battle for those who believe in Him- the church.  He knew a war was waged.  Satan knew, now more than ever, that ultimately he had lost in the very moment Jesus rose from the deathly grave and Jesus knew he wasn't going down without a fight.  He would be using any and every tactic to malign the good news from being spread and God's kingdom being advanced.

My boys and I studied the Renaissance period and the Church Reformation during this time period this past school year.  When I study the history of the church I am awestruck how so many thousands of generations have been deceived by the "father of Lies".  It was so bad that Christians were killing other Christians in the most unthinkable ways due to their differences of interpreting God's Word.  Even to this day we have not learned from our ancestor's mistakes.  There is constant strife and division between denominations and sects, beliefs and convictions. 

Or perhaps taking a look at the individual.  I haven't lived a long life; a mere 34 years, but already in that tiny period of time, I know over a dozen Christ followers who have left a church over differences in belief or personal preference of what they want church to be like for them, or a hurt that they just can't move beyond.  I have watched people trade their emotion for TRUTH and the rift and division that it causes within the church Body (I have even fallen into this trap of lies in my youth); the moral that it damages and each party's hurt and pain while remaining in it, harboring those emotions and feelings, or coming out of it only slows His efforts.  This is exactly the agenda that Satan is pushing forward and his intent in his work of webbed lies. 

This was not Jesus's desire.  The fact that Jesus mentions the concept of being unified three consecutive times in His prayer to God was a way, in that culture and language, to place a great emphasis on that particular point.  Jesus emphasized His desire and a powerful point.  Paul also wrote:

"I appeal to you, brothers, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that all of you agree with one another so that there may be no divisions among you and that you may be perfectly united in mind and thought."           1 Corinthians 1:10

Paul is not talking about coming to an agreement about the interpretations of the scripture, nor in our ideas of what a church service should look like or how the church or any one person in the church body should be meeting a person's emotional and intellectual needs or feelings (that's God's job) or even the political standpoints of believers.  Paul is charging all Christians everywhere to be unified in the one thing that stands above it all, the mission of spreading the message that God sent Jesus and the incredible love story that that is to us all; especially an unchurched person (John 17:20-23).  As far as our differences, "we are to throw off EVERYTHING that hinders us and the snare that so easily entangles us" (Hebrews 12:1) and we must, we MUST, be unified in advancing the gospel in our community!  For our "battle is not against flesh and blood (against other people)" (Ephesians 6:12).  It's not!  Whatever grievances (Col. 3:13) you have with the church, with another believer who has hurt and wronged you at any level, let it go!  Let it go for the bigger war that is waged against us.  Let it go for this world that is fleeting and the billions of souls that are perishing.  Our fight should not be against the church- each other, our fight should be to have "complete unity to let the world know that [God] sent [Jesus] and have loves them...."  We cannot let this be discredited to less than what it is!  It. is. everything!

In the story of the Tower of Babel, scripture says, that "the whole world had one language and a common speech."  They all came together under that one common thread: language, and accomplished a magnificent feat!  In fact God Himself said of it, "If as one people speaking the same language they have begun to do this, then nothing they plan to do will be impossible for them."  These people were unified and God said NOTHING they plan to do will be impossible!  God destroyed it because man was building something for their own personal glory.  Can you imagine the flood of lost souls that would be saved if we, as Christians, were unified with one mission and vision in mind, throwing off everything else that hinders that, and then, the best part, God would fuel it because He would be SO for it since it would be all for HIS glory and not man's!

Jesus, the Gospel, God's perfect picture of His great love for us.  This is the wellspring of life.  Jesus, who set his own feelings and the ways He was wronged, aside for the sake of saving us all. -We are called to do the same.

However, I consider my life worth nothing to me; my only aim is to finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me-the task of testifying to the good news of God's grace.

Acts 20:24

May the God who gives endurance and encouragement give you a spirit of unity among yourselves as you follow Christ Jesus, so that with one heart and mouth you may glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.  Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God.  
Romans 15:5-7

As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received.  Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.  Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.                                                          Ephesians 4:1-4

Thorn In My Flesh

Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh...

2 Corinthians 12:7

In the past decade or so I've had more people than I can count comment on how they think I have super powers, or that I'm a robot, or a super human to be able to go at the speed and longevity that I do.  I have been known to power in a lot of productivity in a 17-18 hour day.  Another continuing theme from people's lips has been how much my life ministers to women, parents, and kids.  How much my teaching and example has changed people's walks, parenting, and marriages.  To both of these common comments I say, that I am merely human.  Nothing more than a jar of clay; capable of holding so much to do so much yet astonishingly vulnerable of shattering at any given moment.  And again, I am humbled.       I am humbled.      

See I came down with mono when I was 20.  I was told by my Dr. that I needed crazy amounts of rest.  Rest.  Ridiculous timing, Dr.  I was working 3 jobs to save up money for the following year that Shane and I would be married and living in Canada, me with my visitors visa unable bring in income and Shane going to school full time.  On top of the three jobs, I was planning a wedding, my wedding, that was to take place in less than three months.  Rest was not going to happen when I needed it.  But for a year following our marriage I rested- a lot!  

Fast forward 4 years.  I became anemic, experienced shockingly horrific stomach pains, along with many other symptoms to discover after months and months of doctors that I had Crohn's Colitis disease.  I was put on meds immediately which seemed to help for the most part for a while but then, after a couple years, my health began taking a downward turn.  It was everything I could do to function through the necessary duties of a Mom caring for the needs of my kids.  After many many months of uping my meds, suffering many health problems from joint pain, fatigue, losing mass amounts of blood in my stool, and experiencing neurological effects as well as losing 20 pounds that I didn't need to lose, (even though I was eating like a horse)  I got desperate.  I cried out to God for healing from this disease.  I didn't want to attempt to manage it anymore.  I wanted to be cured of it. 

I gave my cousin a call who had gone to a nutritionist in Houston whom had done wonders for her health as she suffered from a muscle disease.  He turned my health around in ways that modern medicine hadn't been able to.  I remember being 10 days into my new diet and supplements he had me on and calling up my husband and saying, "I'm back.  I finally feel like me....like I'm back."  I did great sticking to my diet for the first year.  But as time went on I cheated more and more on eating junk food and I'd go for stints where I didn't take my supplements.  So for the last two years I've had a low immune system which has left me vulnerable to a roller coaster ride of viruses and bacterial infections.  I've been sick a couple dozen times at least.

Presently I'm fighting a fever that comes on in the afternoons every day for the past four weeks coupled with body chills and aches.  My appetite is down and every time I do eat (even the healthy foods I'm supposed to) it feels as though my gut has been poisoned with toxins.  Some days I can hardly walk.  I haven't had a period in two months.  They're running tests on my trying to determine what is wrong with me.  So far with no luck yet.  Tomorrow I'm going into to blood work for my nutritionist and next week I plan to have a colonoscopy.

So I find it humorous when people comment on how I go 90-to-nothing or they don't see how I do it all because I've suffered from anemia for the past 14 years which makes me so stinkin' tired.  But that will never stop me from doing God's work.  It's why we're here.  It's the only thing worth living for.  My family is my number one ministry, so I homeschool.  Women in my sphere, so I meet with one on one's with ladies a couple times a month.  Lost souls in my circle of accountability so I stay intentional with them.  Impressing on the next generation, so I sing and teach preschoolers on Sundays at church.  And when God allows opportunities, I lead women in studies to deepen their understanding and their relationship with their God and Savior.  I can't tell you how many times I think 'how much more I could do for His kingdom if I weren't always struggling with my energy and health.'  And every time I think that, 2 Corinthians 4:7 pops in my head: But we have this treasure in jars of clay to who that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us.  You see, I am nothing, I am nothing without Him!  I do find my poor health and plaguing anemia to be a hindrance to a more effective ministry but I am learning a lesson that far dominates that: divine power is best displayed against the backdrop of human weaknesses so that God is praised.  Rather than removing the problem God is giving me the grace and strength to live through it, and He declared that grace to be "sufficient".  This song seemed so fitting for this blog entry