My heart is heavy, my tears are many, my soul is restless, and my thoughts are more than I can count spanning my whole lifetime. Retracing the footsteps of my life and the impact that a certain person has had on it. And the tears flow. There is anger, so much anger I'm working through hoping to get to a place of forgiveness that I so desperately want to give. There is sorrow over the seemingly hopeless life this person is choosing to live. And there is exhaustion from feeling these feelings towards this person for so very long.
I want so desperately to forgive this person and the pain, hurt, and fear that they caused all my life. But how do you forgive someone who doesn't want to change? I continue to ask God that. I continue to wrestling with Him, begging Him to help me be more like His Son. To forgive a person who knows exactly what they're doing, doesn't see any wrong with it what so ever and continues right on doing it. How do you forgive someone who cuts your heart into a thousand pieces over and over. Someone who has broken your trust and respect and has hurt not only you but loved ones around you more times than you can count- but the effects of the damage is there. It's there in the anger I have in my heart. Here I am. I've come to place where I find myself angry at God. As much as I love Him and adore Him, revere Him and worship Him, I wrestle with Him too. I'm so thankful He's that personal to me. He's that intimate with me that I can be real with Him. Open and honest about my anger with Him. I'm thankful that He is a patient, forgiving and loving God who can carry me even in my anger and who stays with me even as I yell at Him in my heart.
I'm struggling with trying to understand free will co-existing with His Sovereignty. I'm wrestling with understanding free choice versus the knowledge that He can choose to soften or harden whomsoever heart He chooses according to His good, pleasing and perfect will. I want so desperately to understand why my God doesn't want this person. This person who has caused me so much pain. Why doesn't He want this person? Why doesn't He this person? Why. Doesn't. He. Want. This. Person.? Why doesn't He break this person's heart, humble them and let them to see the Light? I'm desperate for that. I'm desperate for healing. For all my loved ones healing. For their healing. I'm desperate for life-change, I'm desperate for all the decades of damage this person has caused and continues to cause to be restored and made new. I long to see this person as a new creation through my Savior, Jesus Christ. I'm desperate in ways that words cannot express. My soul groans with groans that only He can understand. My heart is heavy, my tears are many, my soul is restless, and my thoughts are more than I can count spanning my whole lifetime.
And yet, in the midst of my inner turmoil, in the midst of my anguish and sadness, He comforts me still. I was laying my bed at two o'clock in the morning after laying there for an hour trying to go to sleep while the tears fell on my pillow and He spoke to me through a band, Shane and Caleb, and a chorus to a song of theirs. And it soothed my soul. "Peace, be still. And know that I am God." This song written from His Word which is so powerful and peaceful and true: Psalm 46:10 "Be still, and know that I am God." So I got out of bed, at 2:30 in the morning and listened to the song which He used to comfort me in the midst the raging storm within this broken body and soul. And I have peace. May this song, and His Words through this song, bring you comfort. And if you do not know the God of the Bible and His Son's sacrificial love for you, may you come know it and be comforted by Him when your in the midst of turmoil. -May you know His peace which passes all understanding. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R35oiiDiVOw
About Me
- alana
- I'm a home grown Texas girl. Married 18 years now to the most incredible and godly leader of a man that I have EVER met! And it just keeps getting better! -That's all Christ's doing! We have been blessed with five boys: Jonah (15), Caleb (14), Matthew (12), Nathan (10), and Lander (3). We also have a daughter we adopted from China, Kayli (8). I LOVE being a Mom and am happiest when my whole family is at home working together on a project! I have also been a home educator going on 13 years now to all my children. I've been a Christian for as long as I can remember and am so thankful my Lord woos me to Him everyday even still and that He is patient for me to come to the knowledge of His love, grace, and compassion and am humbled that He calls me to be His light to others.
Praying for you lady. I know from experience, forgiveness....true forgiveness needs practice. Praying for the grace to endure as you work through it. isn't it awesome how God will take us right were we are....he's not waiting for us to be at a certain place in our walk just he wants us to participate with him....even if that is a silent yell or tears....everything everything always points us back to him....for the glory of it all!
ReplyDeleteForgiveness to me is accepting the consequences for someones elses sin.....sometimes the consequences continue to unfold so the forgiveness is extended again anad again...
Romans 5:3-6 (NIV)
Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; [4] perseverance, character; and character, hope. [5] And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. [6] You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly.
Praying for you, Alana. Forgiveness is possible through God's grace alone - we don't bring any of our own grace to the table. It's our decision, but His grace. Sometimes it's easy to feel defeated, like we stink at forgiveness and therefore have a hardened heart of our own. That is not truth. Our emotions do not demonstrate a lack of forgiveness, they are yet another consequence of the sin and won't just disappear once we've 'forgiven correctly'.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry that you are wrestling with all of this. I know that He is faithful and will meet you at that table again and again as you forgive again and again. And you will - through Him who gives you strength.
Much love,
Mary