Fire Breathing Dragon Mommy

~  Do you ever feel like you've become the worst version of yourself?  Like, if you had to pick out the worst you you could possibly think of, as a mom, a wife, a woman, and then you realize you're becoming it or have become it?  Daily, I become a fire-breathing, eyes glowing, rage roaring u-g-l-y mama.  It isn't pretty, it scares my kids, puts everyone on edge.  And then?  I hate myself.  It's like I have this picture in my head of how I want to be.  Calm, patient, peaceful.  Seeing my children the way God sees them - even in the midst of their messiness.  A mom who responds with a smile of understanding that their little hands and minds are only learning how to do and be, they haven't arrived and I shouldn't expect them to.  That they don't stress and hurry because they're not on the clock and running by a schedule.  And why should they?  They're children.  But somewhere between the door being left WIDE open, the mud being traipsed in the house, and the toilet being clogged I lose sight of that.  Lately, I've been tired.  Dog tired.  - I don't even know where that expression came from but I. am. it!  Which only seems to awake the monstrous beast to an even greater degree.  And if the beast is disrupted from it's slumber...look out!  
So I go to God.  I cry out to God to give me everything I need to be the ambassador for Christ that my kids so desperately need to see in me.  See He has promised to give me everything I need for life and godliness.  But He also invites me to be still, to meditate on Him day and night, to abide in Him, stay connected constantly to Him and be enriched and nourished by Him as a branch does to a vine so that    HE MAY DO SO and I have not been doing this.  Being still... be still... and spending time reading and memorizing His Word and praying to Him, talking to Him, is where He will fill me and equip me and show me the example that is in the life of Jesus so that I don't lose sight of what patience is, how grace pours out, and love spills over.  The truth is I am not perfect, I will have horrible mommy moments but my children will learn the beauty of humility in that.  And what admitting my wrong, humble repentance, and seeking someones forgiveness looks like.  They are learning that no one is perfect, not even Mommy, and that we ALL need Jesus!  They see I'm learning and fighting and struggling through this messiness of trusting in thy self and transferring all my trust to God.  Daily.  Moment by moment.  I need Jesus.  His UN-conditional LOVE.  Oh, how I need Jesus.  He is all I need.