No Matter Where You Go, There You Are

                                       

"No matter where you go, there you are." 

 Such a simple sentence yet so profound. I don't know about you but this sounds comes across in a negative way to me.  The idea that you can't escape you.  You can't get away from you.  At the end of the day you're still the one you're living with and are stuck with and that you are the one who needs the work and what is causing all the problems.  Which begs the question, 'do I even like myself?'  I didn't use to. I used to hate so much about me and see far more about who I was as a negative liability to the world and all those around me. I was perplexed at God for making me the way He did. I thought He played some cruel joke on me to call me to be so many things in scripture that were so far opposite of who I was. To be gentle (I am strong in spirit), meek (I am aggressive), self-controlled (I have a short fuse), patient (I am hasty), submissive (I challenge everything and everyone). I was so far from being these that I couldn't even see a road map of how to get there. So all I saw in myself was what a disappointment I was. I saw brokenness, disobedience, and hopelessness. No matter where I went, there I was and I hated who I was. Then in July of 2018, I caused a major car accident (I wrote a blog about it) which began to take me on a journey to see God and myself through a different lens-- a lens of grace. God's abundant, never-ending grace. Which allowed me to begin to look upon myself with grace. Which led me to seeing the beauty in how He did design me. I grew so much as a result of that car accident which spring-boarded me into a new found sense of how God truly sees me. However, in the last year or two, I noticed in the full essence of grace and unconditional and abounding love, a feeling of conditional and limited began to slowly creep in. Which, I then started becoming hard on myself and frustrated with myself that I couldn't stay consistently in that space of knowing and I wrestled, once again, with self-condemning and being disappointed in where I was at and the things I wrestled with. I found myself questioning if I'd ever get it and ever really change or if I was doomed to a life of struggle and backsliding-- a hopelessness would rear it's ugly head from time to time. I'm not sure if God began to take me on a journey or if He used this struggle I was having to lead me on the journey but either way, I've been on a journey the past year and half to sink deeper into knowing His love and grace for me. And to allow that knowledge to become a deep knowing in me. I am currently researching and writing a study called Abide which is literally just learning to Abide, or remain, in this knowing. To help me grow in the area of continually being with God. 

 I recently read a sentence in a book called "An Unhurried Leader" by Alan Fadling (excellent book) and a line in that book stuck out and struck me to the core and has even begun to take the place of the saying, "No matter where you go, there you are" within me. The sentence?  "God finds pleasure in me when I am not much of a pleasure even to myself." This line struck me to a core.  What I didn't realize was that core was covered by more layers that still existed. I thought all the layers had been peeled back and removed but I began to see how there were still some lingering, or some had grown back to take the place of those once removed. Either way, they were there and God was wanting to weed them out. I had begun to dislike myself again and my loving heavenly Father wanted me to know that even when I don't like myself at times, He still does. He will sit with me, with a smile of love on His face, when I am at my worst and He will be with me while still giving me the space to feel this way and work myself out from that by the effects of His love. His love draws me out of that dark place and it is His love that helps me see myself differently, the way He does... to begin to like myself again. The more time I spend with my friend, Jesus, the more I listen to the Holy Spirit speak to me on God's behalf. The more often I am able to lean into acknowledging God's presence with me and consistently stay in that space, the stronger I become in all of this. But even when I lose sight of Him and forget His presence with me, His loving smile presently with me doesn't change. He is consistent even when I am not. He is gracious even when I am not with myself. He is gentle towards me even when I am not. He is patient with me, even when I am not. And the me on the other side of Him, experiencing who He is, begins to change how I see myself and it begins to change who I am. I become more like Him. "The God whom Jesus shows me is a good Father. God wants the best for me. God loves with a love far sweeter than any human love. God finds pleasure in me when I am not much of a pleasure even to myself. And God doesn't have bad days." 

 Psalm 27:4 One thing I ask from the Lord, this only do I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze on the beauty of the Lord and to seek Him in His temple.

Father, continue to take me deeper into this knowing-- a continual awareness of Your unconditional love and grace.  May I learn to walk in Your presence every moment I'm awake and even in my dreams.  I want to be near You.  "I want to know You, I want to see Your face, I want to know You more."  This is my prayer, Father.  Draw me close to You.  May I be one with You and may all that exists in the world, the things that are not lasting, may they fade away in comparison to being with You.  Amen.

I've Never Felt Like I Fit In, Anywhere.

In a study I've been doing, in one of the week's sessions, I was asked a question that should have been short and simple to answer.  And it was, at first.  I answered and moved on.  But by the next day, or the day after that, God began using that question to really encourage me to dig in and remember what He had taught me years ago regarding this aching to belong.  

"Where do you find your sense of love and belonging?"

My initial answer was short and sweet but honest:  'Ouch.  This is hard to face.  I want to say as a child of God but I fear it's more from my husband but also never feeling like I belong anywhere.  Like, I'm so unique I just don't fit in anywhere fully.'  This was my answer and then I moved on.  However, I noticed myself thinking on this more and more and finding myself getting grouchier and crabbier with each thought about it that made it's way to the surface of my mind, I couldn't quite figure out why this was beginning to stir in me and affect me as much as it was.  I was driving and mulling through my thoughts and sharing them with God asking Him about it and the Spirit so gently reminded me.  He reminded me that He has called me to be missional and if I were to get too comfortable within a group of friends, my zeal to invest in nonbelievers or young/new Christians would be numbed.  He doesn't ever let me get too comfortable for the sole purpose of becoming too comfortable.  He wants me to be not only ready and willing when He calls and prompts me but eager; and in the comfort of belonging, I wouldn't be.  He also reminds me that this is not my home; that I will never quite fit in or feel completely at home with a group of people because He has given me that restlessness to keep me focused on my heavenly home, which helps me number my days, which keeps me focused on being missional.  He reminds me that there will be a time and a place for feeling like I completely belong and am completely understood but that is not in this world/life.  And in the gap of this world and my heavenly home, He calls me to cling to Him, the only One who truly knows me, and He promises that He will fill all my needs and all the voids if I have the courage and take the time to let Him.  

Beyond the Wreckage

A horrible stupid mistake.  One absent minded decision put a man in the hospital, totaled my husband’s car, and broke a city street light.  I walked away with bruises and a concussion and a man I don't know and never saw was taken away in an ambulance.  And it was my fault.  I can’t go back and do it differently.  I can’t take his place no matter how much I wish I could.  A firefighter tried to lessen my obvious guilt and worry for the man they’d just removed from the truck that had smashed into a street pole by informing me, “Looks like he’s broken his leg, nothing life threatening.”  The man screamed in pain as a team of men placed him on board and pulled him out of the truck.  What overwhelming guilt.  Over the next seven days I struggled.  I was in physical pain, suffering from PTS, and wrecked with guilt and shame.  I distracted myself by watching feel-good upbeat movies because every idle moment resulted in replaying getting hit head on by a 55 mph truck over and over in my head.

One night, I had fallen asleep watching one of these movies, my husband came to bed later and began watching an action movie.  At some point in the movie a car honked, tires shrieked, and I shot up screaming in panic.  “You’re fine.  You’re fine.  You’re fine,” I tried telling myself but I couldn’t stay in bed.  I got up and went to the living room and just sobbed and sobbed.  I’ve never experienced trauma to this degree.  I hope I never do again.  I kept clinging to truth, ‘God’s going to teach me something through this.’  But the reality was that I was paralyzed where I was by guilt and shame.  I felt like I deserved it too.  I needed to punish myself.  I fretted over the man wondering how he was.  I tried to get any sort of update on the man by the way of an officer who had been on the scene and my insurance company but they knew nothing.  Each day got a little better; a little.  By day six, I had to tell myself ‘he’s on the road to recovery now.  He’s probably home, casted, and healing physically and trying to move past the trauma as I was minus, the guilt and shame.  I hoped he wasn’t angry at me; I hoped he wasn’t bitter but I believed he probably was because I deserved it.  A war was raging in me.  A war between horrific shaming myself and recognizing I am human and all accidents are caused by someone making a mistake.  I felt like I was winning the war on my shame and getting to a pretty good place all things considering, and then day seven from the wreck rolled around.  I received a call about 1:00 in the afternoon.  My daughter had had speech therapy so I was out when my insurance company called.  I picked it up thinking it was about our car and the man on the other end began informing me without any hesitation, “the man involved in the accident suffered two broken bones in his leg requiring surgery on them and pins needing to be put in them, a broken pelvis, and two broken vertebrae.  He is still in the hospital.  His vertebrates may require surgery as well and then he has a long road of therapy ahead of him.”  I wanted to let the grief I had for this man drown me.  All I could muster out was, “is he…or…is there he a risk for paralysis?”  “No,” he replied.  “Can you please call my husband and tell him all this?  I just can’t process it all.”  I hung up and thought, ‘you’ve got to hold it together.  You have to get from here to home so hold it together.’  I loaded my littles up and headed home.  My husband began texting and calling me frantically (naturally concerned for what all I was undoubtedly struggling with) but I knew if I stopped to text or answered the call I would lose it and I couldn’t lose it.  I had to get home.  I just had to make it home.  As I pulled up in the drive, my brother’s car was parked out front.  He had come to get all the kids to take them bowling.  ‘Ok,’ I told myself, ‘you made it home now just hold it together until they leave.’  I entered the house.  Said hi as best I could, went to put my purse and shoes away and just couldn’t hold it in any longer.  The grief, sadness and guilt came rushing over me and I couldn’t hold back the tears.  I went out into the living room and muttered the words to my bother- something about “I can’t…. can you just get them out yourself?”  He said, “yep.” And I retreated to my bedroom and let it all swallow me up.  I felt crushed by the weight of the guilt.  It was excruciating.  I couldn’t take it.  I felt a weight on me that I’ve never felt before.  Between the sobs all I could say over and over is “Jesus.  Jesus, it’s too much, Jesus.  It’s too much, Jesus.”  Over and over.  After a few minutes of heart wrenching crying, a fellow homeschool mom/friend popped into my head.  Her husband had been the victim of an even worse accident four years ago.  If I couldn’t connect with the victim from my accident, at least I couldn’t connect with a victim.  I called her, not expecting her to answer but she did.  “I’m not really sure why I’m calling you,” sounding obviously upset, “you just popped into my head and I picked up the phone and called…” I began telling her about the wreck that had happened, what I had been experiencing, and where I was at now.  She shared a lot of comforting words with me.  The two things that I really took away were, “you have to take all the guilt and shame and lay it down at the foot of the cross.  You have to rest in His grace,” and “we were advised and told that we can never make contact with the kid who hit my husband.  We know who he is and where he lives but we can’t got to him and tell him that that wreck was the best thing that ever happened to us, for my husband.  That we forgive him and it’s ok.”

            As we hung I began processing everything she said and talking to God.   “God, if the roles just could’ve been reversed…you know me…I could’ve shown that man Jesus.  I would’ve forgiven him, I would have told him ‘accidents happen and it’s ok; I’m not angry at you.  I would’ve shown him Jesus.  I would’ve encouraged him to come visit me in the hospital and loved on him.”

        “I know that,” God said to me.  “But I had things to teach you through this.”

            The rest of that afternoon and evening, I can’t even write words to describe it.  I just began taking every thought surrounding the accident captive and surrendering it to the cross. A moment by moment war with every single thought.

            The next morning, I had more peace than I had and up to that point.  My friends’ words still pressing on me.  'Lay it at the cross, let his grace be enough.' I recall praying, in response to her sharing they were not allowed to talk to the man, “OK, Lord.  Even if I never know for the rest of my life how he’s doing, I will trust that You are working good in that man and use everything as a means to draw us both closer to You.  I trust You.  I ask that that man come to a place of forgiveness, not for my sake but because I know what a cancer of the soul bitterness, anger, and unforgiveness are.  Free him from that and use this for Your glory in his life.”

            I went to counseling that morning with Shane by my side and I felt like I was in a peaceful place by this point.  There was still grief but I was free from shame.  When I shared everything through the tears, we all went before God and the counselor had me ask Him, “God, what do you want me to know in this?”  I listened.  “MY grace needs to be enough,” He said.  I took that as enough in everything, not just this accident, but every aspect of your life.  “You’ve been struggling with guilt and shaming yourself- you're harder on yourself more than anyone else is on you and you’ve been asking Me why that is and begging, for years, to help you stop doing that.”

            ...Then the Spirit placed this thought in my head: it’s like when you pray for patience.  God doesn’t give you patience, He gives you opportunities to practice patience.  I felt God say in that moment “You want to be freed from self shaming?  Well child of mine, here you go.  Here’s something so overwhelmingly hard to carry on your shoulders- the weight of it will crush you to the point of surrender- then you will know my grace and your shame will be no more.  My grace needs to be enough.”  There is peace.  There is peace from resting in the faith and knowledge of God’s promise that He is working His will in that man’s life and there is peace in the freedom that comes in surrendering EVERYTHING to the cross.  The grief is still there, but trauma is still there, but I am free from shame.  I am free from guilt.  I am free when I surrender it all.

               Opening myself up to fully experience His grace has allowed me to extended this same grace He gives me, with gentleness, patience, love to all others when they "fall short" and to recognize that we all grow and learn at different times and in different areas than others.  God has been patient with me as I grow at my own pace.  He has been gracious to me in lovingly wooing me to Himself, by speaking to me through Holy Spirit many many times, by being the perfect Father and counselor I need.  He has loved me in answering even the quietest of prayers in my heart.  Prayers, wishes really, that I had whispered to Him in my heart on occasion and as He answered those hopes, hearing Him say, "I do this because I love you."  I hear Him in the hardest times of life when I don't think I can take much more, "I do this because I love you."  It hurts, I hate it, I wish those hard moments would be taken away but I know it's producing something in me that He knows would only come to light by allowing those hard times to happen and I trust it fully, because His grace is enough.  Recognizing that God calls me to be an ambassador of Jesus to all those around me and that my life could point and even woo people to Him if I choose to fully receive His grace and to fully, without condition, extend that same grace to others who are no more worthy than I was to receive it myself.  His grace is enough.

Christians Are Hypocrites

I hear this a lot from people who are out on church and view Christians as nothing more than hypocrites.  They are right, we are.  We are sinful and in need of a savior from our sin.  It's what makes God's grace so amazing!  We don't have to do anything to change ourselves before receiving God's gift of His salvation from our sin.  We do not have to be perfect; through our belief in Jesus, we become perfect in God's sight.  Jesus covers all our inequities!  But for Christians there is a level of responsibility we have that we will be held accountable to.

2 Corinthians 6:1 & 3

As God's fellow workers [Christians], we urge you not to receive God's grace in vain.... We put not stumbling block in anyone's path, so that our ministry will not be discredited.

As Christians, even though we receive the grace of God through the salvation of Jesus, we should not live in vain anymore.  Living for oneself is doing this; with thoughts of 'What's in it for me?' 'How is this helping me?' 'I need me time.' 'It's time to put me first.' 'How is the satisfying me?' 'Do what feels good.' 'Rid yourself of any negative people because, afterall, its all about making yourself happy.'  This is what our culture is screaming.  I see it all the time on social media.  Constantly scrolling through my FB feed.  The worldly inspirational sayings with the intention of inspiring us.  But how do these inspirational sayings hold up to God's Word, His view, His opinion?  2 Corinthians makes it very clear that we are "not to receive God's grace in vain." All of these 'it's all about me' approaches that these popular sayings slowly conform us overtime to is exactly this: living in vain, or, for my own gain, self, happiness.  This is not "loving others more than yourself" (Phil. 2:3).  This is not being selfless and living for something so much bigger than yourself and this life.  No wonder Christians are discontent with their church, people, their job, their day to day grind.  They're living in vain.

The word ecclesia, or the church, in the New Testament was translated as "a movement."  It was the movement of a new way to love, a new understanding of  God as never before.  Sweeping through the hearts of people.  When did the church shift from this mindset of a "movement" to be all about how it is satisfying me and filling me and what programs do they have for me and my kids?  How is this loving others more than ouselves?  It's not!  It's living a Christian life, full of God's grace, in vain.

Living to love others more than our self rather than looking at what we're getting out of it (it being anything: church, people, your job, etc.) will put  NO stumbling block for anyone considering the gospel- "so that our ministry will not be discredited."     Don't be a stumbling block!  As a Christian, don't focus on what you can get out of it, what's in it for you, or how is this satisfying you.  It's not about you!  Take your focus off yourself and make it all about loving others and we will no longer be known as a church full of hypocrites but as a church that truly loves people; even people who are NOTHING like them!  Then we will not discredit the very thing we are trying to do- to reach people with the gospel.  Being a church for unchurched is everything to do with loving others more than yourself and making the environments not to fit and please Christians (because it's not about us) but rather those who are far away from God or who have been out on church.  Only when you are truly doing this, dying to yourself, will you grow spiritually in ways you never knew possible and only then, will you be a person who does not discredit the ministry of the gospel.  

Solomon's Struggle is my Struggle

I'm in an extreme King Solomon's meaningless life moment.  What is the freakin point of it all?!!  Seriously, struggling with the will to live.  Not that actually reads this but on the off chance that someone does, no need to start panicking and call a hotline on my behalf, I won't ever do anything to act on that.  I'm too afraid to be seen as that incredibly selfish and the disappointing look on God's face if I did do that and met Him after having done so.  But for real, there is NO POINT to any of it!  It's tiring, unending, monotonous, empty, unfulfilling, lonely, hard, and exhausting.  If everything under the sun is meaningless then what is the point of all of this?  If we are supposed to find all our satisfaction in God then why are we here?  Why do we keep on living?  Why don't we just do that in His presence in heaven where there won't be Satan to jack with our thoughts and emotions and relationships?  I don't know how to find complete joy in my Lord... complete satisfaction in Him on this earth.  And He even says to us we never will.  We will always be incomplete the final day so what is the FREAKING point?!!!  None of it makes sense!  None of it!  I'm so exhausted with life!  I'm exhausted with this calling I'm exhausted with the spiritual attacks as a result of being obedient to this calling, I'm exhausted with sacrificially loving on people non stop and getting no feelings or evidence of love in return.  I can't do it anymore and I don't know how to stop without disappointing my husband, confusing my kids, and hurting the church.  Then there's a WHOLE bunch of pressure in that as well.  It's just too much.  I feel crushed and pinned; unable to do anything about it.  I keep waiting for my It's a Wonderful Life moment where after all these years I've spent serving, helping, giving up of myself to help others then, when I need help most, they'll all come to help me out in my desperate time of need.  But I'm not seeing that.  Despite reaching out and asking over 40 people to help us on three different occasions; only two people showed up.  Two.  I'm thankful for those two; don't get me wrong.  Those two kept me from completely deflating and walking out on church.  Everyone is too busy to love others.  and it's sad.  it makes life meaningless.

Why We Don't See Miracles

Acts 7:54-60

54 When the members of the Sanhedrin heard this, they were furious and gnashed their teeth at him. 55 But Stephen, full of the Holy Spirit, looked up to heaven and saw the glory of God, and Jesus standing at the right hand of God. 56 “Look,” he said, “I see heaven open and the Son of Man standing at the right hand of God.”

57 At this they covered their ears and, yelling at the top of their voices, they all rushed at him, 58 dragged him out of the city and began to stone him. Meanwhile, the witnesses laid their coats at the feet of a young man named Saul.

59 While they were stoning him, Stephen prayed, “Lord Jesus, receive my spirit.” 60 Then he fell on his knees and cried out, “Lord, do not hold this sin against them.” When he had said this, he fell asleep.

            Wow!  I could write like four separate studies just on these six verses alone!  I've chosen to focus on one of the four that popped out at me.

This is such an incredible moment in the movement of the church!

v. 55 "But Stephen, being full of the Spirit, looked up to heaven and saw the glory of God, and Jesus standing at the right hand of God."

             It is when we are being persecuted at its hardest that we see God in His fullness.  All throughout scripture when people's lives are being threatened for the sake of God, He is present in that situation; either performing a miracle to save them as we see twice in the life of Daniel written in the Old Testament as well as many others throughout the Bible or being present as a source of comfort as we see here with Stephen.  Stephen, in his last moments of earthly life, was in the presence of the Trinity of God.  This helped him focus not on the pain of being stoned, not on the fear of being killed, not on the struggle to fight for his innocence as he was falsely accused, but on the only thing that really matters; his gaze was on the Father, the Son, and he was filled with the Holy Spirit.  -The everlasting and all that really matters.

              Oh! That I would have the humble privilege to be persecuted to such a degree that I might see the glory of God in such a way as I'm ushered into His presence in heaven.  Yes, I know it sounds absolutely senseless and deranged.  But how quick we are to chose an earthly life of comfort over path that leads to woes or martyrdom for the glory of God and all the while we grovel and complain asking God why He doesn't ever reveal Himself through miracles like the ones told in the Bible.  I would venture to say that I believe He still does.  God's work is never broadcasted by the media or the world because, as the Bible says, "this world does not know Me [Jesus]."  Why you don't see those in your own personal life?

Many people long for the chance to witness a miracle but not very many are willing to place themselves in such a harsh situation that they need one.

God, 

I am available.  Whatever the cost, I am Yours, for Your glory.  Give me the strength in those harsh moments to be filled with this courage to choose You no matter the cost; to see You and be filled with an everlasting peace that surpasses my current circumstances or the threat that weighs upon me.  May my life be a living sacrifice for You and may I witness a miracle from You in that moment.  Oh, that I might see the glory of your fullness no matter the cost!  You are all that matters.  My life is Yours.  ~ Amen

It's Not Fair!

Acts 6:1-7

Observation:
         In this situation, one group began feeling like their widows were being neglected and overlooked over another group.The disciples acknowledged that this matter needs to be addressed but at the same time sort of, seeing the bigger picture, recognized that this was such a petty thing in comparison to advancing the gospel.

Application:
        Often, I feel this way with my children.  When they are whining or complaining about anything that seems petty to me- through an adult lens.  I instantly want to chastise them and scold them for making a mountain out of a molehill or not recognizing that there is such a bigger picture in the grand scheme of things!  What I fail to recognize, is seeing in their little hearts, that we were designed for a perfect, balanced, just, and fair world.  Just as our souls long for a home that is not here (it's heaven), something in us cries out over the injustice and unfairness of a situation.  Instead of shaming them for a way we are all designed to long for and chastise them for not understanding and recognizing this, I must acknowledge, as the disciples did, and make the most of this opportunity to teach them to understand the cause of the injustice and the sin that wrecked His perfectly balanced design.  I must teach them to approach our now broken world and broken people, and our broken hearts with His grace.  Yes, compared to an older more mature person their problem seems petty when placed in the light of the travesties around the globe but loving them and seeing them as Jesus sees all of us would look like wading into their mess (as petty as it may seem) and helping them come up with a solution in the midst of the injustice of their little world as a means to point them to Jesus.  We as Christian parents, have the unique and incredible responsibility of pointing our children's little tender hearts to Jesus or to turn them away based on how we respond to them.  Now, will they grow up and turn away from God solely because we didn't do this?  Some may wrestle more than others as adults based off of how we conducted ourselves and what we taught them but let's face it, God is bigger than our sin too!  However, we do have the privilege of being used by God to fuel His plan for our children's lives by how we conduct ourselves and what we communicate to them.  Wade into their little world of brokenness, teach them to recognize our need for a savior and the world's need for us to extend grace given to us by Jesus, come up with a solution to address the injustice, and as verse five says in chapter six of Acts, "this proposal pleased the whole group...."

     Father, 
    
    Thank you for your love and grace.  For your patience to continually put up with such petty problems in my life and love me enough to enter into those and help me.  Thank you for my children and provide so many teachable moments for me and also help me to have a deeper understanding of Your love for Your creation.  I need you to help me get these moments right.  That I may come out of a conflict or problem my children are having with one another or with someone else and use it as a means to show them Your compassion by recognizing this hurt and acknowledging that their desire for justice and fairness is right because that's how we were designed but also to keep it in check to not make sure it is a purely selfish motive and also show them Your grace that we get to not only experience because of the brokenness but that we get to be used to extend it to and show it to others and allowing that to point people more to You.  Give me the wisdom and the words to communicate this to my children.  Give me the patience to take the time to do this well and the discernment to know when their little hearts are rightfully broken due to longing for a perfect world or when it is merely their selfish motives that need to be addressed.  Thank you Father for Your Word and Your example through it that teaches us to reflect Your Son to others.

                                                                                                          ~ Amen

The Gospel should have NEVER made it out of the First Century

Acts 5:21-39


Observation:  A Pharisee, Gamaliel, who was honored by all the religious leaders of the Sanhedrin, spoke about two different men who were raising up a revolt that had both died.  After their deaths, both times, their followers dispersed and it all came to nothing.  They were certain this would happen with Jesus having just died not to too long before.
        Gamaliel himself said, "if their [apostles] purpose or activity is of human origin, it will fail.  But if it is from God, you will not be able to stop these men; you will only find yourself fighting against God."
        The gospel story, without God's sovereign hand protecting and fueling it, would have never made it out of the first century.  But it did!  It's lasted thousands and thousands of years and spread across the whole world!  A simple son of a carpenter, born in a stable, who only spent three years in the public's eye, and taught the most radical teachings that have ever been taught in the history of the world, is still not only being taught and shared but is changing people's lives and bringing healing in the broken areas, hope in the darkest moments, and joy in the midst of sorrow!  Not because of something He said or taught, but because of what people saw.  A man, coming back to life, after being dead for three days and for forty days following He was seen alive by hundreds of people, and then seeing Him ascend into heaven.

     Father, 
             You are mighty and powerful.  No man or spiritual force can stop You.  You are great and Your plans cannot be shaken.  Your Holy Spirit reveals to those You choose and reveals to us all we need to know.  Great are Your Lord and worthy of our praise!  Jesus, You endured so much, You sacrificed so much.  You are full of love, grace, patience, kindness, and You give hope to the broken world.  It's through You and in You that we are called children of God.  Because Your Holy Spirit reveals to those You choose and You reveal to each of us all we need to know, who am I to ever think anyone else should be as I am.  For you take each of us on a spiritual journey, those that allow themselves to by You, and you reveal different things to different people at different times.  Help me see every person as You see them; uniquely created and designed by You and Your pursuit for them.  Let me help point people to You in doing this rather than reacting or behaving in a way that will detract them from You.  May I never expect anyone to get or agree with what You revealed to me but rather recognize and see all Your revealing to others too.  And let that grow my understanding, compassion, patience, gentleness, kindness, selflessness, and make me more like Your Son who "did not come to be served, but to serve."
                                                                                                                     Amen

Comradery

2 Corinthians 11:22-28
Are they Hebrews? So am I. Are they Israelites? So am I. Are they Abraham’s descendants? So am I. 23 Are they servants of Christ? (I am out of my mind to talk like this.) I am more. I have worked much harder,been in prison more frequently, been flogged more severely, and been exposed to death again and again. 24 Five times I received from the Jews the forty lashes minus one. 25 Three times I was beaten with rods, once I was pelted with stones, three times I was shipwrecked, I spent a night and a day in the open sea, 26 I have been constantly on the move. I have been in danger from rivers, in danger from bandits, in danger from my fellow Jews, in danger from Gentiles; in danger in the city, in danger in the country, in danger at sea; and in danger from false believers. 27 I have labored and toiled and have often gone without sleep; I have known hunger and thirst and have often gone without food; I have been cold and naked. 28 Besides everything else, I face daily the pressure of my concern for all the churches.


          I am so thankful that Paul shares the struggle and severe hardships he endured for the sake of spreading the gospel.  It is evident that God knows we, as humans, need to know others are like us; experiencing what we are- there is comfort in it.  

         Perhaps God wired us this way, because ultimately, He wanted us to know we're not alone.  In a perfect world where we had perfect unity with God we would not to look for comradely with people but rather find that we are not alone because He is with us.  We are not alone in our struggle because HE is with us.  How often we lose sight of that.  How often we look to satisfaction within the world rather than in Him.  We keep ourselves too busy to hear Him, see Him, experience His presence.  We clutter our thoughts with distractions of this world rather than focus on being still with Him and allowing our thoughts to stay fixed on Him.  We forget He is with us when we feel alone because we haven't allowed Him to enter into our every moment of the day.  He becomes unimportant in our business and therefore seems absent in our need for Him.  
         May we be reminded of Immanuel "God with us".  If you need more confirmation of this I encourage you to visit www.biblegateway.com and do a search for God with us and see the 65 different verses that speak to this fact.

Lord, may my eyes stay fixed on You.  May my moments of  loneliness or the times that are filled with a struggle so intense I feel as though I'm to only one enduring it, be filled with the knowledge that You are a God who is with me and You relate exactly to what I am going through.  May I find comradery in You and You alone.  But when my flesh is too weak and my faith fails in those moments, may I see other people in the here and now with whom share in my suffering.  And in seeing the comradery of others, may is draw me closer to You.

A Mama's Prayer

Lord, help me love that I am needed so
to bathe their bodies
from head to toe
or clip a bow up in their hair,
buckle their car seat,
or scootch their chair.

Help me cherish, "mama!"
being called throughout the day
to tie a shoe,
or pour a drink,
or cut up what's on their plate.

Help me to be thankful
that I am needed so
because I know their need for me
will lessen as they grow.

So as I'm needed to pick them up,
or to fix a toy,
change batteries,
or wipe a nose,
lemme do it filled with joy.

for right now it seems a thousand times
I've helped them down those steps,
or wiped their little bottoms clean,
and cleaned up mess, upon mess, upon mess.

And I can get quite exhausted
to where I lose sight of Your call
and where hearing cries of, "mama!?"
is no delight at all.

Help me never to lose sight
of just how quickly this time will fly
Let me savor being needed
and etch this in my mind.

Let my attitude
bring praise to You
every minute of every day
and be a joy and delight
for *them* as well
along the way.

Lord, help me love that I am needed so
and not grumble or complain
because all too soon I'll be missing them
and long to hear, "mama!?" again.

                     - Alana Norcross

Fire Breathing Dragon Mommy

~  Do you ever feel like you've become the worst version of yourself?  Like, if you had to pick out the worst you you could possibly think of, as a mom, a wife, a woman, and then you realize you're becoming it or have become it?  Daily, I become a fire-breathing, eyes glowing, rage roaring u-g-l-y mama.  It isn't pretty, it scares my kids, puts everyone on edge.  And then?  I hate myself.  It's like I have this picture in my head of how I want to be.  Calm, patient, peaceful.  Seeing my children the way God sees them - even in the midst of their messiness.  A mom who responds with a smile of understanding that their little hands and minds are only learning how to do and be, they haven't arrived and I shouldn't expect them to.  That they don't stress and hurry because they're not on the clock and running by a schedule.  And why should they?  They're children.  But somewhere between the door being left WIDE open, the mud being traipsed in the house, and the toilet being clogged I lose sight of that.  Lately, I've been tired.  Dog tired.  - I don't even know where that expression came from but I. am. it!  Which only seems to awake the monstrous beast to an even greater degree.  And if the beast is disrupted from it's slumber...look out!  
So I go to God.  I cry out to God to give me everything I need to be the ambassador for Christ that my kids so desperately need to see in me.  See He has promised to give me everything I need for life and godliness.  But He also invites me to be still, to meditate on Him day and night, to abide in Him, stay connected constantly to Him and be enriched and nourished by Him as a branch does to a vine so that    HE MAY DO SO and I have not been doing this.  Being still... be still... and spending time reading and memorizing His Word and praying to Him, talking to Him, is where He will fill me and equip me and show me the example that is in the life of Jesus so that I don't lose sight of what patience is, how grace pours out, and love spills over.  The truth is I am not perfect, I will have horrible mommy moments but my children will learn the beauty of humility in that.  And what admitting my wrong, humble repentance, and seeking someones forgiveness looks like.  They are learning that no one is perfect, not even Mommy, and that we ALL need Jesus!  They see I'm learning and fighting and struggling through this messiness of trusting in thy self and transferring all my trust to God.  Daily.  Moment by moment.  I need Jesus.  His UN-conditional LOVE.  Oh, how I need Jesus.  He is all I need.

Update since "Empty"- A heart of Peace and Praise

I am so thankful for the blog entry I wrote a little over a year ago, titled, "And I Come Alive;"  it was about the property God blessed us with.  For on the eve of us having to sell what we'd hoped would be the land we would build our home on and being an emotional wreck over it, reading that blog gave me comfort and helped me have a godly eternal perspective that I was struggling blindly to grasp and that I might not have ever attained it had I not read what He had me sovereignly write a year and a month ago.  And excerpt of that blog:

"As we pulled up [to the property], unloaded [our tools out of] the van, and began walking down the worn out tire track make-shift driveway I could not stop smiling on my face from the joy that swelled up from the depths of my soul.  I put my arm around my Mom and I said to her, "Mom, I come alive here!"  I come alive here.  That is the best way I can describe it.  Everything I feel I was designed to be comes to LIFE on this property!  A wife who works alongside her husband outside on our future, a mother of several little ones who thrive in playing and also working alongside their parents in the canopy of the large old oaks as we're all touched by the cool breeze and serenaded by the birds of song.    Surrounded by the glory of His in the beauty of His creation.  And I come alive....  We have plans for our future; but they are just that, our plans.  They may never come to be as we desire the Lord's will above our own.  (Jeremiah 29:11 "For Iknow the plans I have for you...declares the Lord....")  After all, our lives are His first always.  We want to be in His will because that will be better than anything we decide and make for ourselves.  So we're planning to begin building in 10 months, but we're planning with an open hand metaphorically.  We're not clenching this dream in our hearts with a "closed fist" but rather placing that plan in an open hand knowing that at, any moment, God may desire to take that plan away for something else He has planned.  This causes tension within me to think about in the present- that our plan might not happen, but I know that if/when He calls us to whatever He has planned, He will prepare our hearts for it at the right time."

So, although we no longer have that land due to events out of our control and completely within HIS, I am grateful for the time we did have working it together as a family.  I am grateful for the retreat that visiting and working on it was.  I am grateful for the overwhelming joy it brought me.  I am grateful for the memories of exploring down the San Gabriel river that we did because the neighborhood had private access to it.  I am grateful to my God for that year of memories with my family; for the Lord gives and the Lord takes away.  

"The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised.”

Job 1:21b

Empty

Here I sit, 4:30 in the morning, staring at this blank screen, not even knowing what exactly to type.  I feel obligated to blog about happy things, so that those reading this (myself included) will be inspired, encouraged, and motivated.  But the truth is, I'm empty.  I have nothing to offer anyone; suppose we never do really.  But right now, in the quiet lonely hour of the night, I don't even want God.  I'm angry at God.  I'm angry.  I'm crushed; I ache to my bones.  I'm tired and empty.  I need peace. I need joy.  I have neither.  I'm giving up my dream of land.  My white flag is raised.  I quit.  I'm numb.  I don't care anymore.  Caring hurts too much.  Caring is too painful.  Caring leaves me sad and I'm tired of being sad.  I know my perspective is wrong and irrational.  Governed by these crazy things called hormones after just having had a baby and PPD is completely jacking with me right now.  I know I'm being selfish and a pessimist.  I know majority of people in our society want to be happy, to only hear about good things, and only focus on "positive things" and things that keep them upbeat and happy and I just don't care.  I'm not happy.  I've been holding onto a dream for 24 years.  One that is so rooted in the depths of my heart that giving it up has left me empty.  I've asked God to help me give it up joyfully.  I've asked Him to help me to want His will.  I've asked Him to move my heart to a place of contentment with whatever He calls me to.  But right now, in this moment, I'm not there.  Right now, I don't want anything to do with God.  I'm bitter and angry and feeling so desperately lost.  And I don't know how to get through this muck.  I don't know how to come through it a better person.  Right now, all I want is what I've dreamed for for over two decades now.  But I'm not to have that.  That much is very clear.  And I am left empty.

A Woman's Pursuit

I have been leading a small group of women through a Biblical Womahood study once again.  We are four sessions into it and and are really getting a lot out of the lectures and the discussion.  This past week we listened to "Advocates Who Undermine"  which is absolutely incredible!!  If you can carve an hour out of your time, click on it to listen to it; it is WELL WORTH IT!!!  Can't tell you how insightful and interesting it is!!!
Here is something I wanted to share with you all, even if you do not have time to listen to it.  Let me just preface it in saying that Satan is the master deceiver.  He is crafty at it too; meaning he can twist the truth and deceive you without you even realizing it.  He does this in our personal lives/thinking/ feelings.  And he does it in our culture and nations as well.  A large area that I see him weaving his web of deception is in the area of career driven women and it saddens me.  I see more and more young women spend the most energetic years of their lives pouring themselves into schooling, and more schooling, jobs, and then jobs that turn into careers.  Finally, when they feel as though they are far enough along and settled enough, they want to start a family.  Sometimes (and becoming more often than not) it's a little too late for them biologically.  Sometimes they do but they're so tired that kids become more of a burden and headache than a joy and delight!  I see women put more time into achieving and getting ahead in their careers than I do seeing women strive to achieve and learn how to be a better godly moms.  Satan has deceived our culture into this backwards thinking that woman are not valuable and will never be satisfied unless they're contributing in the workforce.  With that being said, I will continue with the email correspondence I had with one of the women in the study:

Participant in Study (who was absent that night but listened to it online herself wrote me this email):  "I enjoyed the historical aspect of this study for sure!  I kind of sense an underlying theme regarding working moms, interested to explore further!" 

My Response: "That's interesting...I haven't gotten that at all. the women and I in our discussion afterwards were even talking about how we liked the fact that Lisa said, "There is nothing wrong with women having a career. There is nothing wrong with women working outside the home. The question is, 'is that the premiere pursuit of her life? Is that they place that she was designed to make the most significant difference in this life?' I would argue that the career is not the premier pursuit of a man's life! Is that what God designed the premier pursuit of a man to be either?"   Now, I do know that God communicates and presses on different women's hearts different things through this study. Sometimes, through the study, some women feel strongly convicted and have a peace and a 'calling', if you will, to get their family's finances in order and begin living on a tighter budget, so that they can begin to be a stay-at-home wife and mom. A super smart woman in our last Community Group, whom she and her husband now lead a CG of their own as well as Financial Peace University groups too, became a stay at home Mom after having a career for 20 years and absolutely LOVES it!  A big desire to do this was fueled through the BW study.  I also know other women who have taken the study but are still continuing to work and stay in their careers and are okay with that.  I agree with Lisa in that I don't think either is right or wrong for all women! Whatever you are feeling like God is leading you to is where you need to be in (as long as it is in unity with your husband too). However, God does say that our family is to be our first area of ministry! So if women do have a job/career outside the home, they do have a responsibility to not let it take priority over their husband first, and then their children. It's recognizing that there is so much more we can contribute in this world: the pouring of God's teaching into our children, the next generation.  As Deuteronomy 6:1-7 says, "These are the commands, decrees and laws the Lord your God directed me to teach you to observe in the land that you are crossing the Jordan to possess, so that you, your children, and their children after them may fear the Lord your God as long as you live by keeping all His decrees and commands that I give you, and so that you may enjoy long life. Hear, Israel, and be careful to obey so that it may go well with you and that you may increase greatly in a land flowing with milk and honey, just as the Lord your God of your ancestors, promised you. Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up."

God created us to be God-worshipers and followers. He instilled in us the ability to reproduce His crowning achievement, people, in His image, and He commissioned us to raise up more God worshipers! That is our premiere, and even EVERLASTING pursuit that will transcend this life and impact the life to come!! Shouldn't we not want to make that our priority?! job or no job?

love you, friend! so thankful you are in our group and challenging me with interest and questions! I love your perspective and insight and am so thankful for your contribution and what you bring to the table!"

Seasons of Puke and the Supermom Myth

The last twelve days in our home have been filled with 4 of my five children and my husband sick with a virus that they passed around.  My five year old son had it the worst throwing up 12 times in a 48 hour period; of those 12 times not one surge of queaziness made it in the toilet leaving a perpetual and nasty mess to continually clean up.  Even after symptoms of the virus had left our home, it left everyone feeling sluggish and drained of energy; myself included.  Good times.

Anyhow, whilst all of this was taking place everything in the home got further and further behind.  I tried to stay on top of it all but there was just SO MUCH.  Laundry (washing, drying, folding, ironing, and putting clothes away) for seven piles up fast; especially when you add towels and sheets to the loads too.  Combined with the cumulating daily dishes, preparing meals, house chores, caring for the pets, oh! and lest we not forget the hubby going out of town for work on the tail end of all this awesomeness when my exhaustion is at its height.  The mounds of stuff and the to-do lists piled higher and faster than my determination to conquer them could keep up.  I began to feel defeated among it all.  .....We survived.  And on the last night of the last sick kiddo to have symptoms, my 9 year old son came up to me and hugged me as I was getting them all ready for bed.  And as he did he said, "What would we do without you?  Thank you for all you do for us, Mom."

This struck me.  I have heard many women refer to me as "an amazing woman," and "Supermom."  I have had people tell me, "My!  You must have your hands full," or "How do you do it all?"  and, "I admire you but you are crazy! How do you keep up with laundry, food, home schooling, boundaries, sanity, camping, kids, husband, and the list continues.....??"  But I will tell you, in the moment my son said those breathtakingly sweet words that any mom would swoon upon hearing, I was struck by a revelation of what I have always been aware of intellectually but had never had it impact me in such a tangible way as in had during our season of puke; and that is: what would I do without my family?!  My amazingly wonderful hard working children!  They do SO MUCH of the brunt work around here.  THEY keep this house running!  They do the wash and drying of the laundry, they do the dishes, and the cleaning of the home, they mow the yard, they take out the trash, they help with meals, and they virtually school themselves.  They are a huge help me!  And then there is my husband, I am amazed everyday how he can leave the stresses and worries of work or ministry at our door step and the moment he enters through our front door he lovingly serves.  He helps with dinner, dishes, bathing the kids, leading the Bible reading and books with the kids and even most days spends some "couch time" with me to catch up on each other. Truth is, I don't do a lot.  I couldn't.  This "Supermom" personae that I have been labeled with by some have not been here to see the inner workings of my home to know how vastly incorrect that title is.  The saying, 'behind every great man is a great woman' could not be further from the truth.  For behind every great woman is her family and leading that family is the Lord God doing His work in their lives!  We are a team, we are a unit, we all work together because we are all a family!  And we all do our part, each individual being responsible for themselves as well as "being their brothers keeper," "loving other more than themselves" because we desire to bring glory to our heavenly Father. So when my son spoke those sweet tender words of thankfulness to me, I ended the evening thanking my boys for ALL that THEY do!  I told them how I could not run this house without their help.  I explained that I could if all of them went to school everyday but because we homeschool and they are home 24/7 it just wouldn't happen without their help!  My children laid their heads on their pillows that evening and we all thanked God, together, for giving us each other- our family!

Day of Defeat Ended in Thankfulness! What?!?!

   What a day filled with defeat!  So many things went wrong today starting with my alarm going off and rather than joyfully getting out of bed to start the day right I reset the alarm for later and got more sleep.  As a result, no morning work out or critical time in the Word.  Already a bad start.  I raced to get myself and two of my boys ready to go to the Dr's and my three year old daughter ready for school.  Went to make myself my dietary smoothie for breakfast and remembered I was out of frozen fruit.  My daughter was on the bus at 7:22 and we were on our way to the Dr.'s at 7:25 with the other two staying home with a Dad/Nana tag team.  I was the first to arrive as a walk-in patient but the door said the opening hours began at 8 and it was 7:45 so we stood outside and waited.  at 7:55 another mom arrived and walked up to where we were at the door.  She asked if it was open to which I told her I didn't know, I was just waiting until 8 like the sign said.  She checked the door and went in to which I held the door and asked the receptionist if we could come in.  We were allowed and the lady who had gone in ahead of me went up the desk and signed her name FIRST on the sign in sheet!  I couldn't believe it!  She knew I had been standing out there first and still signed her name in on the top line.  So she and her daughter were called in first while I stayed in my chair in the waiting room and fumed!  Circumstances like this or worse continued on the rest of the day for me.  It is now 8:00 at night, feels like midnight though, I am exhausted and feeling absolutely defeated by the day.
    Defeated in my own flesh.  Incapable of self-discipline to get up and get in the Word and workout, frustrated I didn't make time yesterday to go to the grocery store to buy the fruit I knew I would need for my smoothies, frustrated I had way too many carbs for my breakfast as a result, angered by a woman who felt entitled to see the Dr. first, lacked patience, quick to anger, and no self-control with my son Jonah, forgetful of my five year old child who wound up sitting in timeout for a minor offense for over an hour, overwhelmed by homeschool curriculum choices and the window of time I once viewed as vast I now see is quickly closing with each, crazy-fast, passing year; and the list goes on.  My flesh is weak.  Far beyond cure.  I am self centered and selfish just like every other human being on the planet.  Sin exists, therefore sin exists in me.  How freeing it is to know that I am not held accountable for my sin.  In those moments when I recognize my flesh welling up squelching the Holy Spirit and strangling His ability to do His work in me, I become overwhelming grateful.  For at first a momentary feeling of defeat rushes in but then the gentleness of the Father reminds me that His love, forgiveness, and patience is unconditional because His Son Jesus the Christ has covered up ALL my transgressions, all of my sin, all of my flesh by paying my price of my deserved death!  Suddenly each moment I recount throughout the day doesn't seem like defeat to me but rather VICTORY!  Did I fail a lot?  Absolutely!  Yet in that, I have experienced God's forgiveness, His unending forgiveness!  I have felt God's love, His overwhelming love for me!  And I have realized His patience, His abounding patience with me!  I am weak, I am a sinner, He is strong, He is holy and capable of all things.  "So I am grateful, that I'm incapable of doing any good on my own!"  I'm thankful that I need Him!  I'm thankful that I am nothing without Him!  He created me, He saved me, He redeemed me, He made me holy in Him, He teaches me and He reminds me of all of this, and I am thankful.

 Although, I want to do good, evil is right there with me.  For in my inner being I delight God's law; but i see another law at work in me, waging a war against the law of my mind and making me a  prisoner of the law of sin at work within me.  What a wretched man am I!  Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death?  Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord! 

Romans 7:21-25

And I Come Alive

We were miraculously blessed with a plot of land two months ago now.  We've been spending our free weekends clearing out the cedar, cactus, and thorns, renting a chipper to mulch it all up, and soon we'll rent a cat to spread the mulch out and uproot the cedar trunks.  It's a gorgeous 2 acre lot full of beautiful oak trees on a cul-de-sac street in a gated community.  It's a short walk from the neighborhood's private access to the San Gabriel River and has views from the front and back of the lot of the Texas hill country.  I am overwhelmed at what an incredibly amazing gift this is!  I never thought this moment would ever happen.  Living on land has been a dream of mine since I was twelve years old and still can scarcely believe it!  

On our second venture out to work on the land one weekend, my brother, Eric and my Mom had also come with us to help us cut down and haul cedar trees into a massive pile.  As we pulled up, unloaded the van, and began walking down the worn out tire track make-shift driveway I could not stop smiling on my face from the joy that swelled up from the depths of my soul.  I put my arm around my Mom and I said to her, "Mom, I come alive here!"  I come alive here.  That is the best way I can describe it.  Everything I feel I was designed to be comes to LIFE on this property!  A wife who works alongside her husband outside on our future, a mother of several little ones who thrive in playing and also working alongside their parents in the canopy of the large old oaks as we're all touched by the cool breeze and serenaded by the birds of song.    Surrounded by the glory of His in the beauty of His creation.  And I come alive.  

 In order to honor the size and age of this tree, we named it "Treebeard" after the tree in the Lord of the Rings Trilogy.

 Caleb and Matt working and Jonah playing in "Spider"

 Treebeard's canopy's shade.

Mulching up cedar.

On our most recent visit there.  The kids were in the van and Kayli had not said anything the whole drive there.  We pulled into the neighborhood and went through the gate and as we were driving down the neighborhood's roads to our street, out of know where Kayli says, "Happy."  I asked her, "Are you happy , Kayli?"  "Yes," she replied.  "Do you like going to the property, Kayli?" I asked her.  "Yes," she answered again.  This was the first time ever she's expressed an emotion she was feeling!  I am thrilled that it had to do with our land and the time we've been spending together there as a family!  It's been wonderful!

We have plans for our future; but they are just that, our plans.  They may never come to be as we desire the Lord's will above our own.  (Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you...declares the Lord....")  After all, our lives are His first always.  We want to be in His will because that will be better than anything we decide and make for ourselves.  So we're planning to begin building in 10 months, but we're planning with an open hand metaphorically.  We're not clenching this dream in our hearts with a "closed fist" but rather placing that plan in an open hand knowing that at, any moment, God may desire to take that plan away for something else He has planned.  This causes tension within me to think about in the present- that our plan might not happen, but I know that if/when He calls us to whatever He has planned, He will prepare our hearts for it at the right time.  But for now we have dreams of a tire swing, a tree house or two, a zip line, a chicken coop, a bench swing, and many, many, many, family memories to come!  And my I come alive!

Norcross Family on our property April 2013

Lord, thank you for this incredible blessing you've allowed to happen.  I'm not sure what the future holds; but I know You know.  And I know Your plans are far better than what I could dream of.  May we live according to Your will and Your plans for us.  May our hearts not become hardened to whatever task you call us to.  If it is Your will, may we be able to build in a year.  May our children have thousands of memories and a great life's foundation from living on this land.  May we have a home on this lot that will be a haven and get-away for all who visit it.  May people draw closer to You just from visiting this home and land.  And may it always be for Your glory!  But if for some reason You don't want us to build here, may we enjoy the time that we do have as we're working on it, and may You prepare our hearts to let it go when the time comes.  Thank you, Dad.  Amen."