A Wearied Soul

My wayward soul is stretched out thin

 across the marred and desolate plain.  

Desperate hands searching for a foreign yet familiar block

 to grasp and clench hold of- this stumbling block.

My eyes will scan the horizon of hope

 until my weary empty gaze falls on Him.  

And there, in that still and solitude moment, 

I will be filled again.  I will be filled again.

alana norcross

Letting A Dream Die So I Can Live

For over 20 years now I have had a dream.  What it is is not what is important.  What God is teaching me through dreaming it is.  The dream is slowly dying and I feel as though a huge chunk of my heart is dying with it.  I want desperately to just pull the plug and end this agonizing but something in me cannot seem to do that.  I want the dream to die so that that part of me can begin to live.  I've been hoping for a miracle and that hasn't happened and I feel as though that's just not what God had in store for me.  I feel selfish anytime I think of wanting this dream over Shane going into church ministry or the ability to give more money to our church if we make our dream happen.  Who am I to desire something so temporary in this world and and something that is so fleeting when there are eternal things we could be investing in?  I am not quite sure of the lessons God is teaching me through all this or the person He's trying to "shape" me into.  All I know is it hurts.  It aches in my bones- our inability to know what to do: to hold onto this dream or put it down.  I do not feel as though I can continue holding it with an open hand for Him to allow or take as He pleases.  I am weary from it.  So many big life altering decisions.  I just want to say NO to everything so I can just have some peace inside and begin to work toward contentment.  I am so tired of hoping and dreaming big only to have it seem so close for a moment then get snatched away.  Oh, how I long for the dream. How I long to be able to let all of it go so the longing doesn't consume and engulf me.  I know I say, "I want Your will" all the time.  So why can't I let go of these dreams when they're clearly not His will?  This roller coaster ride of "on again off again dream" leaves me useless for His kingdom work and stirs up bitterness and resentment in my heart that I just want to be rid of.  I desperately want it snuffed out of me.  I want to be free.  'God, rescue me from the agony and sadness.'  To say "I quit" on my dreams is more than I can do at this point.  (My flesh is weak.)  There is too much agonizing and deep pain and mourning that comes with it.  'DAD, I need you to comfort me.  Please be near me.  I need You here in the midst of my sadness and grieving.  I feel as though I've lost something that has been such a huge part of me for so so very long and I don't feel as though I can let it go.  Will You help me, Lord?  I know living for You is a sacrifice.  "Pick up your cross and follow Me," You say.  Leave everything and follow You.  'Father, Please help me do this.  I need You.  Every hour I need You.  I need You.'  

"And my God will meet all your needs

according to the riches of His glory in Christ Jesus."

Philippians 4:19

Chords That Cannot Be Broken

My prayer is not for them alone.  I pray also for those who will believe in Me through their message, that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in Me and I am in You may they also be in us so that the world may believe that You have sent me.  I have given them to the glory that You gave Me, that they may be one as We are one: I in them and You in Me.  May they be brought to complete unity to let the world know that You sent Me and have loved them even as You have loved Me."                                                

 John 17:20-23

The cry of Jesus's heart to God, His deepest desire for believers, was for Christians to be unified as one just as He and His Father are one. Jesus knew this would be an ongoing battle for those who believe in Him- the church.  He knew a war was waged.  Satan knew, now more than ever, that ultimately he had lost in the very moment Jesus rose from the deathly grave and Jesus knew he wasn't going down without a fight.  He would be using any and every tactic to malign the good news from being spread and God's kingdom being advanced.

My boys and I studied the Renaissance period and the Church Reformation during this time period this past school year.  When I study the history of the church I am awestruck how so many thousands of generations have been deceived by the "father of Lies".  It was so bad that Christians were killing other Christians in the most unthinkable ways due to their differences of interpreting God's Word.  Even to this day we have not learned from our ancestor's mistakes.  There is constant strife and division between denominations and sects, beliefs and convictions. 

Or perhaps taking a look at the individual.  I haven't lived a long life; a mere 34 years, but already in that tiny period of time, I know over a dozen Christ followers who have left a church over differences in belief or personal preference of what they want church to be like for them, or a hurt that they just can't move beyond.  I have watched people trade their emotion for TRUTH and the rift and division that it causes within the church Body (I have even fallen into this trap of lies in my youth); the moral that it damages and each party's hurt and pain while remaining in it, harboring those emotions and feelings, or coming out of it only slows His efforts.  This is exactly the agenda that Satan is pushing forward and his intent in his work of webbed lies. 

This was not Jesus's desire.  The fact that Jesus mentions the concept of being unified three consecutive times in His prayer to God was a way, in that culture and language, to place a great emphasis on that particular point.  Jesus emphasized His desire and a powerful point.  Paul also wrote:

"I appeal to you, brothers, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that all of you agree with one another so that there may be no divisions among you and that you may be perfectly united in mind and thought."           1 Corinthians 1:10

Paul is not talking about coming to an agreement about the interpretations of the scripture, nor in our ideas of what a church service should look like or how the church or any one person in the church body should be meeting a person's emotional and intellectual needs or feelings (that's God's job) or even the political standpoints of believers.  Paul is charging all Christians everywhere to be unified in the one thing that stands above it all, the mission of spreading the message that God sent Jesus and the incredible love story that that is to us all; especially an unchurched person (John 17:20-23).  As far as our differences, "we are to throw off EVERYTHING that hinders us and the snare that so easily entangles us" (Hebrews 12:1) and we must, we MUST, be unified in advancing the gospel in our community!  For our "battle is not against flesh and blood (against other people)" (Ephesians 6:12).  It's not!  Whatever grievances (Col. 3:13) you have with the church, with another believer who has hurt and wronged you at any level, let it go!  Let it go for the bigger war that is waged against us.  Let it go for this world that is fleeting and the billions of souls that are perishing.  Our fight should not be against the church- each other, our fight should be to have "complete unity to let the world know that [God] sent [Jesus] and have loves them...."  We cannot let this be discredited to less than what it is!  It. is. everything!

In the story of the Tower of Babel, scripture says, that "the whole world had one language and a common speech."  They all came together under that one common thread: language, and accomplished a magnificent feat!  In fact God Himself said of it, "If as one people speaking the same language they have begun to do this, then nothing they plan to do will be impossible for them."  These people were unified and God said NOTHING they plan to do will be impossible!  God destroyed it because man was building something for their own personal glory.  Can you imagine the flood of lost souls that would be saved if we, as Christians, were unified with one mission and vision in mind, throwing off everything else that hinders that, and then, the best part, God would fuel it because He would be SO for it since it would be all for HIS glory and not man's!

Jesus, the Gospel, God's perfect picture of His great love for us.  This is the wellspring of life.  Jesus, who set his own feelings and the ways He was wronged, aside for the sake of saving us all. -We are called to do the same.

However, I consider my life worth nothing to me; my only aim is to finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me-the task of testifying to the good news of God's grace.

Acts 20:24

May the God who gives endurance and encouragement give you a spirit of unity among yourselves as you follow Christ Jesus, so that with one heart and mouth you may glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.  Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God.  
Romans 15:5-7

As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received.  Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.  Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.                                                          Ephesians 4:1-4

Thorn In My Flesh

Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh...

2 Corinthians 12:7

In the past decade or so I've had more people than I can count comment on how they think I have super powers, or that I'm a robot, or a super human to be able to go at the speed and longevity that I do.  I have been known to power in a lot of productivity in a 17-18 hour day.  Another continuing theme from people's lips has been how much my life ministers to women, parents, and kids.  How much my teaching and example has changed people's walks, parenting, and marriages.  To both of these common comments I say, that I am merely human.  Nothing more than a jar of clay; capable of holding so much to do so much yet astonishingly vulnerable of shattering at any given moment.  And again, I am humbled.       I am humbled.      

See I came down with mono when I was 20.  I was told by my Dr. that I needed crazy amounts of rest.  Rest.  Ridiculous timing, Dr.  I was working 3 jobs to save up money for the following year that Shane and I would be married and living in Canada, me with my visitors visa unable bring in income and Shane going to school full time.  On top of the three jobs, I was planning a wedding, my wedding, that was to take place in less than three months.  Rest was not going to happen when I needed it.  But for a year following our marriage I rested- a lot!  

Fast forward 4 years.  I became anemic, experienced shockingly horrific stomach pains, along with many other symptoms to discover after months and months of doctors that I had Crohn's Colitis disease.  I was put on meds immediately which seemed to help for the most part for a while but then, after a couple years, my health began taking a downward turn.  It was everything I could do to function through the necessary duties of a Mom caring for the needs of my kids.  After many many months of uping my meds, suffering many health problems from joint pain, fatigue, losing mass amounts of blood in my stool, and experiencing neurological effects as well as losing 20 pounds that I didn't need to lose, (even though I was eating like a horse)  I got desperate.  I cried out to God for healing from this disease.  I didn't want to attempt to manage it anymore.  I wanted to be cured of it. 

I gave my cousin a call who had gone to a nutritionist in Houston whom had done wonders for her health as she suffered from a muscle disease.  He turned my health around in ways that modern medicine hadn't been able to.  I remember being 10 days into my new diet and supplements he had me on and calling up my husband and saying, "I'm back.  I finally feel like me....like I'm back."  I did great sticking to my diet for the first year.  But as time went on I cheated more and more on eating junk food and I'd go for stints where I didn't take my supplements.  So for the last two years I've had a low immune system which has left me vulnerable to a roller coaster ride of viruses and bacterial infections.  I've been sick a couple dozen times at least.

Presently I'm fighting a fever that comes on in the afternoons every day for the past four weeks coupled with body chills and aches.  My appetite is down and every time I do eat (even the healthy foods I'm supposed to) it feels as though my gut has been poisoned with toxins.  Some days I can hardly walk.  I haven't had a period in two months.  They're running tests on my trying to determine what is wrong with me.  So far with no luck yet.  Tomorrow I'm going into to blood work for my nutritionist and next week I plan to have a colonoscopy.

So I find it humorous when people comment on how I go 90-to-nothing or they don't see how I do it all because I've suffered from anemia for the past 14 years which makes me so stinkin' tired.  But that will never stop me from doing God's work.  It's why we're here.  It's the only thing worth living for.  My family is my number one ministry, so I homeschool.  Women in my sphere, so I meet with one on one's with ladies a couple times a month.  Lost souls in my circle of accountability so I stay intentional with them.  Impressing on the next generation, so I sing and teach preschoolers on Sundays at church.  And when God allows opportunities, I lead women in studies to deepen their understanding and their relationship with their God and Savior.  I can't tell you how many times I think 'how much more I could do for His kingdom if I weren't always struggling with my energy and health.'  And every time I think that, 2 Corinthians 4:7 pops in my head: But we have this treasure in jars of clay to who that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us.  You see, I am nothing, I am nothing without Him!  I do find my poor health and plaguing anemia to be a hindrance to a more effective ministry but I am learning a lesson that far dominates that: divine power is best displayed against the backdrop of human weaknesses so that God is praised.  Rather than removing the problem God is giving me the grace and strength to live through it, and He declared that grace to be "sufficient".  This song seemed so fitting for this blog entry    

Entitlement

This morning, as I was waiting for the church service to begin, I thought to myself, ' I haven't written in my blog in awhile.'  Then another thought followed, 'I haven't had anything to write about.'  As the sermon began, unbeknownst to me, so also began a lesson in which God would teach me and convict me well past the 30 minute sermon from the pastor.  The pastor, Buck, spoke on how "having a feeling of entitlement causes chaos."  Jesus entered into the scene of humanity to teach us that it's not about going around fighting over what we are entitled to, but rather, "what will you do with what you've been entitled to?"  Jn. 13:3 tells us that "Jesus knew..."  He knew that He was the most powerful person in the world that evening he had His last supper in a room with His twelve disciples.  He knew what He deserved, what His entitlement actually was; even when no one else around Him did.  And yet, He got down on His knees and He washed His disciples feet.  The very hands that healed sick people, made the blind see, and brought a dead little girl back to life were the same hands that willingly and selflessly washed men's dusty filthy feet right before they were to eat with their hands. 

For reasons I won't go into, I have been really struggling with my two year old daughter.  Because of her I feel strangled and suffocated, some days, beyond more than I can bear.  Lately, all I've felt in the midst of this is judgement by those closest to me for not showing my daughter more compassion, patience, and kindness; for not handling the situation with her in a way in which I should.  Today, while making the kids lunch at my mom's house down the street from ours, I was venting about that frustration that I feel towards my daughter and one family relative made a comment to me about how mean and hard I was being on her and I snapped at both my mom and my husband.  I snapped from all the times I've felt their faces of disapproval, judgement, and unhappiness with me over my struggle.  I snapped because I'm not perfect.  Not perfect in that I'm not always going to handle the strain, stress, and exhaustion that my daughter causes every day in a sinless selfless unconditionally loving way.  I snapped at how much more doting and babying they all become over my daughter in those times when I am cold towards her.  I blurted how how judged I felt by them in those times and how all alone I felt in my struggle when all I needed was their empathy and encouragement.  I began to cry and not wanting my kids to hear me or see me upset I left my mom's house to walk home to mine located just down the street. 

As I walked home, my thoughts began, 'all I want is for them to encourage me and tell me "I don't know how you do it everyday...all day!  I sure couldn't do it.'  And another thought followed, 'I deserve that much.'  And instantly, the Holy Spirit reminded me of what He taught me in the sermon just a couple hours earlier.  He reminded me by instantly asking this question in my head, "why do you feel that you are entitled to that?" what I understood that He meant by that was, 'who are you to think you deserve that?'

He was right.  I don't deserve anything.  None of us do.  And as a Christian of Jesus Christ, as someone whom everyday, is called to put on the full armor of God and live a life full of the Holy Spirit conveying the fruits of the Spirit, I am called only to serve others as Christ served (Mk. 16:15) and expect nothing in return.  I am called to love people as Christ loves them and loves me and gave Himself up for us; solely based on the fact that God loved us first and not because I get encouragement and empathy from people.  I am called to be compassionate, patient, kind and loving towards my daughter even when she's driving me insane because the insanity I feel is my own flesh, my own selfishness, my own feeling of entitlement in that moment rather than loving her as Christ loves her and seeing her deep emotional needs as an adopted child placed in a new environment and a new family only six months ago, as God sees her.  I am called to all this and so much more and I am entitled to nothing but that which God has seen fit to give me- this broken needy little girl.  And to ask myself the question, 'what will I do with whom I've been entitled to?'

I did apologize to my mom and my husband for snapping at them the way that I did.  And I spent the afternoon (after my daughters nap), playing, rolling, and laughing with my little girl.  And, as long as I look to Him and rely on Him, God gives me what I need one moment at a time.  She is still incredibly needy and relentlessly demanding of my attention, but I remember God's promise that "He has not given me more than I can bear."  I must simply choose to walk, and in this case, be a mother in the Spirit rather than the flesh. 

The cry of my heart to God, for this little girl, is that HE would make me the mother that she needs me to be and not her into the daughter that I need her to be for me.

Omnipotently Omniscient

Acts 26:32  "This man [Paul] could have been set free if he had not appealed to Ceasar."

To know how close Paul was to freedom is hard to take in.  To not understand why God did not want to continue using Paul is impossible not to think about.  How many more lives could he have swayed and saved?  How many more churches could he have planted?  How much more encouragement and clarity could he have brought in writing letters to new believers of the Way?  And yet he said exactly what God knew he would say, leading him one step closer to his death sentence.  We see written how omitting one single solidary sentence, "I appeal to Ceasar," would have prevented him from all of that.
Once again I am humbled by my inability to understand the "why" to a situation or circumstance in life.  Humbled because my question, "why," helps me remain within the mindset that I am not God, that I do not understand everything that happens in life, nor will I ever this side of heaven.  I am humbled because God is bigger (more powerful) than I and He knows more than I do- He knows everything; therefore He knows what is best, for everyone at every moment.

My best friend dying of cancer at 28 years of age and leaving behind her 18 month old and a husband of 4 years (three of those she batle a very agressive stage 4 cancer).  An incredible christian man who was impacting lives and influencing a church, and beginning to lead his family spiritually like he never had before died in a tragic accident leaving behind his wife and three kids (one of them, his daughter, I had mentored for over a year and who called me the night of the accident to come and be with her at the hospital).  As a result, his death unwillingly forced them to move out of state, out of their home, away from their neighbors and church that they dearly loved.

~~  This was my quiet time this morning.  I read chapters 25 & 26 and verse 32 of chapter 26 jumped out at me.  What I wrote above was in response to my reading of the Word this morning.  It was cut short by my five little children waking up to get ready for church.  So I left for worship with this gentle or not so gentle truth resting on my thoughts.  And it was there, in worship, that God held me in my humility and comforted me in the midst of my hurting heart for all the "why's" that I've had to watch loved ones live through.  It was in a song, the lyrics of a song that He spoke lovingly to me.  Graciously reminding me that He is NOT only omnipotently (all powerfully) omniscient (all-knowing) but that He is also omnipresent (everywhere all the time).  He is right here with me.  Just like he is right with all those people in the midst of their pain, their grief, their heart ache, and their loss.  He is with them.  And that is enough.  Here is the song:

Spiritually Paralyzed

'God, I'm finally being honest with myself. I have been putting other gods before You. Namely myself. What I do in my spare time has been consumed with what I want to do which is usually watch movies. Lately You haven't even been getting the left overs of me, You've been getting none of me. Oh sure I talk to you all the time and I do a Bible study with the kids where we learn about You and Your Word, but when it comes to putting You first in my life and spending quality time in Your Word- I become paralyzed. I bought the lie that Satan has been feeding me: 'for months you spent time daily in the Word and didn't really benefit from it the way you felt you need to. what good will it do to spend time today? vegging in front of a movie is what you need.' And so I remained in the same place for far too long. Paralyzed. I am sorry Lord. Forgive me for ignoring You and for not valuing You as the great and powerful God that You are.'  -WOW!  In the instant that I wrote "forgive me for ignoring You," my heart softened.  The frustration and hurt I was holding from a date gone wrong with my husband earlier this evening melted away and I was immediately humbled.  How I feel how poorly Shane responded to me and how I felt he fell short of what I needed from him in our conversation at dinner has got nothing on how I've neglected God.  And God forgives me of that!  How then can I not forgive my husband?!  How foolish am I.  And in seeing the error of my ways, I realize that Shane wasn't wrong.  His approach in how I hoped he would respond to me and what I needed him to be was not wrong, just different.  'Thank you, Father for Your steadfast love, Your amazing grace, and your unending forgiveness.  Thank you for your patience with m shortcomings and weaknesses and for picking me up and mending my broken pieces.  Thank you for being a God who redeems and restores me time and time again.  Because Jesus conquered death, I have life!  You meet me right where I'm at- in all my selfishness and sin, and you lovingly teach me Your will for my life and how You desire me to be.  Thank you, Lord.  I am Yours.'

Psalm 138:1-3a   "I will praise You, O Lord, with all my heart; before the "gods" I will sing Your praise.  I will bow down toward Your holy temple and will praise Your name for Your love and your faithfulness, for You have exalted above all things Your name and Your Word.  When I called You answered me."  -How precious to me is Your Word.