Thorn In My Flesh

Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh...

2 Corinthians 12:7

In the past decade or so I've had more people than I can count comment on how they think I have super powers, or that I'm a robot, or a super human to be able to go at the speed and longevity that I do.  I have been known to power in a lot of productivity in a 17-18 hour day.  Another continuing theme from people's lips has been how much my life ministers to women, parents, and kids.  How much my teaching and example has changed people's walks, parenting, and marriages.  To both of these common comments I say, that I am merely human.  Nothing more than a jar of clay; capable of holding so much to do so much yet astonishingly vulnerable of shattering at any given moment.  And again, I am humbled.       I am humbled.      

See I came down with mono when I was 20.  I was told by my Dr. that I needed crazy amounts of rest.  Rest.  Ridiculous timing, Dr.  I was working 3 jobs to save up money for the following year that Shane and I would be married and living in Canada, me with my visitors visa unable bring in income and Shane going to school full time.  On top of the three jobs, I was planning a wedding, my wedding, that was to take place in less than three months.  Rest was not going to happen when I needed it.  But for a year following our marriage I rested- a lot!  

Fast forward 4 years.  I became anemic, experienced shockingly horrific stomach pains, along with many other symptoms to discover after months and months of doctors that I had Crohn's Colitis disease.  I was put on meds immediately which seemed to help for the most part for a while but then, after a couple years, my health began taking a downward turn.  It was everything I could do to function through the necessary duties of a Mom caring for the needs of my kids.  After many many months of uping my meds, suffering many health problems from joint pain, fatigue, losing mass amounts of blood in my stool, and experiencing neurological effects as well as losing 20 pounds that I didn't need to lose, (even though I was eating like a horse)  I got desperate.  I cried out to God for healing from this disease.  I didn't want to attempt to manage it anymore.  I wanted to be cured of it. 

I gave my cousin a call who had gone to a nutritionist in Houston whom had done wonders for her health as she suffered from a muscle disease.  He turned my health around in ways that modern medicine hadn't been able to.  I remember being 10 days into my new diet and supplements he had me on and calling up my husband and saying, "I'm back.  I finally feel like me....like I'm back."  I did great sticking to my diet for the first year.  But as time went on I cheated more and more on eating junk food and I'd go for stints where I didn't take my supplements.  So for the last two years I've had a low immune system which has left me vulnerable to a roller coaster ride of viruses and bacterial infections.  I've been sick a couple dozen times at least.

Presently I'm fighting a fever that comes on in the afternoons every day for the past four weeks coupled with body chills and aches.  My appetite is down and every time I do eat (even the healthy foods I'm supposed to) it feels as though my gut has been poisoned with toxins.  Some days I can hardly walk.  I haven't had a period in two months.  They're running tests on my trying to determine what is wrong with me.  So far with no luck yet.  Tomorrow I'm going into to blood work for my nutritionist and next week I plan to have a colonoscopy.

So I find it humorous when people comment on how I go 90-to-nothing or they don't see how I do it all because I've suffered from anemia for the past 14 years which makes me so stinkin' tired.  But that will never stop me from doing God's work.  It's why we're here.  It's the only thing worth living for.  My family is my number one ministry, so I homeschool.  Women in my sphere, so I meet with one on one's with ladies a couple times a month.  Lost souls in my circle of accountability so I stay intentional with them.  Impressing on the next generation, so I sing and teach preschoolers on Sundays at church.  And when God allows opportunities, I lead women in studies to deepen their understanding and their relationship with their God and Savior.  I can't tell you how many times I think 'how much more I could do for His kingdom if I weren't always struggling with my energy and health.'  And every time I think that, 2 Corinthians 4:7 pops in my head: But we have this treasure in jars of clay to who that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us.  You see, I am nothing, I am nothing without Him!  I do find my poor health and plaguing anemia to be a hindrance to a more effective ministry but I am learning a lesson that far dominates that: divine power is best displayed against the backdrop of human weaknesses so that God is praised.  Rather than removing the problem God is giving me the grace and strength to live through it, and He declared that grace to be "sufficient".  This song seemed so fitting for this blog entry    

Entitlement

This morning, as I was waiting for the church service to begin, I thought to myself, ' I haven't written in my blog in awhile.'  Then another thought followed, 'I haven't had anything to write about.'  As the sermon began, unbeknownst to me, so also began a lesson in which God would teach me and convict me well past the 30 minute sermon from the pastor.  The pastor, Buck, spoke on how "having a feeling of entitlement causes chaos."  Jesus entered into the scene of humanity to teach us that it's not about going around fighting over what we are entitled to, but rather, "what will you do with what you've been entitled to?"  Jn. 13:3 tells us that "Jesus knew..."  He knew that He was the most powerful person in the world that evening he had His last supper in a room with His twelve disciples.  He knew what He deserved, what His entitlement actually was; even when no one else around Him did.  And yet, He got down on His knees and He washed His disciples feet.  The very hands that healed sick people, made the blind see, and brought a dead little girl back to life were the same hands that willingly and selflessly washed men's dusty filthy feet right before they were to eat with their hands. 

For reasons I won't go into, I have been really struggling with my two year old daughter.  Because of her I feel strangled and suffocated, some days, beyond more than I can bear.  Lately, all I've felt in the midst of this is judgement by those closest to me for not showing my daughter more compassion, patience, and kindness; for not handling the situation with her in a way in which I should.  Today, while making the kids lunch at my mom's house down the street from ours, I was venting about that frustration that I feel towards my daughter and one family relative made a comment to me about how mean and hard I was being on her and I snapped at both my mom and my husband.  I snapped from all the times I've felt their faces of disapproval, judgement, and unhappiness with me over my struggle.  I snapped because I'm not perfect.  Not perfect in that I'm not always going to handle the strain, stress, and exhaustion that my daughter causes every day in a sinless selfless unconditionally loving way.  I snapped at how much more doting and babying they all become over my daughter in those times when I am cold towards her.  I blurted how how judged I felt by them in those times and how all alone I felt in my struggle when all I needed was their empathy and encouragement.  I began to cry and not wanting my kids to hear me or see me upset I left my mom's house to walk home to mine located just down the street. 

As I walked home, my thoughts began, 'all I want is for them to encourage me and tell me "I don't know how you do it everyday...all day!  I sure couldn't do it.'  And another thought followed, 'I deserve that much.'  And instantly, the Holy Spirit reminded me of what He taught me in the sermon just a couple hours earlier.  He reminded me by instantly asking this question in my head, "why do you feel that you are entitled to that?" what I understood that He meant by that was, 'who are you to think you deserve that?'

He was right.  I don't deserve anything.  None of us do.  And as a Christian of Jesus Christ, as someone whom everyday, is called to put on the full armor of God and live a life full of the Holy Spirit conveying the fruits of the Spirit, I am called only to serve others as Christ served (Mk. 16:15) and expect nothing in return.  I am called to love people as Christ loves them and loves me and gave Himself up for us; solely based on the fact that God loved us first and not because I get encouragement and empathy from people.  I am called to be compassionate, patient, kind and loving towards my daughter even when she's driving me insane because the insanity I feel is my own flesh, my own selfishness, my own feeling of entitlement in that moment rather than loving her as Christ loves her and seeing her deep emotional needs as an adopted child placed in a new environment and a new family only six months ago, as God sees her.  I am called to all this and so much more and I am entitled to nothing but that which God has seen fit to give me- this broken needy little girl.  And to ask myself the question, 'what will I do with whom I've been entitled to?'

I did apologize to my mom and my husband for snapping at them the way that I did.  And I spent the afternoon (after my daughters nap), playing, rolling, and laughing with my little girl.  And, as long as I look to Him and rely on Him, God gives me what I need one moment at a time.  She is still incredibly needy and relentlessly demanding of my attention, but I remember God's promise that "He has not given me more than I can bear."  I must simply choose to walk, and in this case, be a mother in the Spirit rather than the flesh. 

The cry of my heart to God, for this little girl, is that HE would make me the mother that she needs me to be and not her into the daughter that I need her to be for me.

Omnipotently Omniscient

Acts 26:32  "This man [Paul] could have been set free if he had not appealed to Ceasar."

To know how close Paul was to freedom is hard to take in.  To not understand why God did not want to continue using Paul is impossible not to think about.  How many more lives could he have swayed and saved?  How many more churches could he have planted?  How much more encouragement and clarity could he have brought in writing letters to new believers of the Way?  And yet he said exactly what God knew he would say, leading him one step closer to his death sentence.  We see written how omitting one single solidary sentence, "I appeal to Ceasar," would have prevented him from all of that.
Once again I am humbled by my inability to understand the "why" to a situation or circumstance in life.  Humbled because my question, "why," helps me remain within the mindset that I am not God, that I do not understand everything that happens in life, nor will I ever this side of heaven.  I am humbled because God is bigger (more powerful) than I and He knows more than I do- He knows everything; therefore He knows what is best, for everyone at every moment.

My best friend dying of cancer at 28 years of age and leaving behind her 18 month old and a husband of 4 years (three of those she batle a very agressive stage 4 cancer).  An incredible christian man who was impacting lives and influencing a church, and beginning to lead his family spiritually like he never had before died in a tragic accident leaving behind his wife and three kids (one of them, his daughter, I had mentored for over a year and who called me the night of the accident to come and be with her at the hospital).  As a result, his death unwillingly forced them to move out of state, out of their home, away from their neighbors and church that they dearly loved.

~~  This was my quiet time this morning.  I read chapters 25 & 26 and verse 32 of chapter 26 jumped out at me.  What I wrote above was in response to my reading of the Word this morning.  It was cut short by my five little children waking up to get ready for church.  So I left for worship with this gentle or not so gentle truth resting on my thoughts.  And it was there, in worship, that God held me in my humility and comforted me in the midst of my hurting heart for all the "why's" that I've had to watch loved ones live through.  It was in a song, the lyrics of a song that He spoke lovingly to me.  Graciously reminding me that He is NOT only omnipotently (all powerfully) omniscient (all-knowing) but that He is also omnipresent (everywhere all the time).  He is right here with me.  Just like he is right with all those people in the midst of their pain, their grief, their heart ache, and their loss.  He is with them.  And that is enough.  Here is the song:

Spiritually Paralyzed

'God, I'm finally being honest with myself. I have been putting other gods before You. Namely myself. What I do in my spare time has been consumed with what I want to do which is usually watch movies. Lately You haven't even been getting the left overs of me, You've been getting none of me. Oh sure I talk to you all the time and I do a Bible study with the kids where we learn about You and Your Word, but when it comes to putting You first in my life and spending quality time in Your Word- I become paralyzed. I bought the lie that Satan has been feeding me: 'for months you spent time daily in the Word and didn't really benefit from it the way you felt you need to. what good will it do to spend time today? vegging in front of a movie is what you need.' And so I remained in the same place for far too long. Paralyzed. I am sorry Lord. Forgive me for ignoring You and for not valuing You as the great and powerful God that You are.'  -WOW!  In the instant that I wrote "forgive me for ignoring You," my heart softened.  The frustration and hurt I was holding from a date gone wrong with my husband earlier this evening melted away and I was immediately humbled.  How I feel how poorly Shane responded to me and how I felt he fell short of what I needed from him in our conversation at dinner has got nothing on how I've neglected God.  And God forgives me of that!  How then can I not forgive my husband?!  How foolish am I.  And in seeing the error of my ways, I realize that Shane wasn't wrong.  His approach in how I hoped he would respond to me and what I needed him to be was not wrong, just different.  'Thank you, Father for Your steadfast love, Your amazing grace, and your unending forgiveness.  Thank you for your patience with m shortcomings and weaknesses and for picking me up and mending my broken pieces.  Thank you for being a God who redeems and restores me time and time again.  Because Jesus conquered death, I have life!  You meet me right where I'm at- in all my selfishness and sin, and you lovingly teach me Your will for my life and how You desire me to be.  Thank you, Lord.  I am Yours.'

Psalm 138:1-3a   "I will praise You, O Lord, with all my heart; before the "gods" I will sing Your praise.  I will bow down toward Your holy temple and will praise Your name for Your love and your faithfulness, for You have exalted above all things Your name and Your Word.  When I called You answered me."  -How precious to me is Your Word.

Celebrate Recovery

I revisited CR tonight along with my husband.  It was good to be back.  Refreshing and soothing to my soul.  This time around I was not going for myself.  I went to support a sister in Christ and my husband went to support the husband, a brother in Christ and the struggles they're going through.  I guess God knew how much I needed to go and be reminded of the steps and the Serenity prayer.  To be amongst other people with hurts, habits, or hangups and worship a God who is big enough in corporate worship together unified with celebrating and struggling with the same milestones and set backs.  God used it to remind me that He is working in my family and that He is about to do great things.  Whether the turn out is good or bad based on the choices that people will have the freedom to choose, He will still be in control and I must trust Him; as His child.  The same way that I call upon my children to obey me by trusting me even when they do not fully understand because they're just not at an age or place to comprehend what I can.  So, I am leaning on my Lord, trusting in Him, and He has given me peace and hope.  I'm still tired and exhausted from only getting three hours of sleep last night.  But I have a new perspective for His mercies are new every morning; great is His faithfulness!  Oh, and thank you my dear friend and fellow homeschooling mama who reminded me that true forgiveness is forgiving people not only for their sins but for the consequences of those sins; even as it pours over and spills into so many lives around them and the damage it causes.  I'm called to forgive.

O' Restless Night

My heart is heavy, my tears are many, my soul is restless, and my thoughts are more than I can count spanning my whole lifetime.  Retracing the footsteps of my life and the impact that a certain person has had on it.  And the tears flow.  There is anger, so much anger I'm working through hoping to get to a place of forgiveness that I so desperately want to give.  There is sorrow over the seemingly hopeless life this person is choosing to live.  And there is exhaustion from feeling these feelings towards this person for so very long.
I want so desperately to forgive this person and the pain, hurt, and fear that they caused all my life.  But how do you forgive someone who doesn't want to change?  I continue to ask God that.  I continue to wrestling with Him, begging Him to help me be more like His Son.  To forgive a person who knows exactly what they're doing, doesn't see any wrong with it what so ever and continues right on doing it.  How do you forgive someone who cuts your heart into a thousand pieces over and over.  Someone who has broken your trust and respect and has hurt not only you but loved ones around you more times than you can count- but the effects of the damage is there.  It's there in the anger I have in my heart.  Here I am.  I've come to place where I find myself angry at God.  As much as I love Him and adore Him, revere Him and worship Him, I wrestle with Him too.  I'm so thankful He's that personal to me.  He's that intimate with me that I can be real with Him.  Open and honest about my anger with Him.  I'm thankful that He is a patient, forgiving and loving God who can carry me even in my anger and who stays with me even as I yell at Him in my heart. 
I'm struggling with trying to understand free will co-existing with His Sovereignty.  I'm wrestling with understanding free choice versus the knowledge that He can choose to soften or harden whomsoever heart He chooses according to His good, pleasing and perfect will.  I want so desperately to understand why my God doesn't want this person.  This person who has caused me so much pain.  Why doesn't He want this person?  Why doesn't He this person?  Why. Doesn't. He. Want. This. Person.?  Why doesn't He break this person's heart, humble them and let them to see the Light?  I'm desperate for that.  I'm desperate for healing.  For all my loved ones healing.  For their healing.  I'm desperate for life-change, I'm desperate for all the decades of damage this person has caused and continues to cause to be restored and made new.  I long to see this person as a new creation through my Savior, Jesus Christ.  I'm desperate in ways that words cannot express.  My soul groans with groans that only He can understand.  My heart is heavy, my tears are many, my soul is restless, and my thoughts are more than I can count spanning my whole lifetime.
And yet, in the midst of my inner turmoil, in the midst of my anguish and sadness, He comforts me still.  I was laying my bed at two o'clock in the morning after laying there for an hour trying to go to sleep while the tears fell on my pillow and He spoke to me through a band, Shane and Caleb, and a chorus to a song of theirs.  And it soothed my soul.  "Peace, be still.  And know that I am God."  This song written from His Word which is so powerful and peaceful and true: Psalm 46:10 "Be still, and know that I am God."  So I got out of bed, at 2:30 in the morning and listened to the song which He used to comfort me in the midst the raging storm within this broken body and soul.  And I have peace.  May this song, and His Words through this song, bring you comfort.  And if you do not know the God of the Bible and His Son's sacrificial love for you, may you come know it and be comforted by Him when your in the midst of turmoil.  -May you know His peace which passes all understanding.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R35oiiDiVOw

Mediocre Moment

Paul entered the synagogue and spoke boldly there for three months, arguing persuasively about the kingdom of God....So Paul left them. He took the disciples with him and had discussions daily in the lecture hall.... This went on for two years, so that all the Jews and Greeks who lived in the province of Asia heard the word of the Lord.   Acts 19:8-10

What an example Paul is to all believers!  What a slacker I have been!  I have lived in my neighborhood for 2 1/2 years and I have not shared the gospel with anywhere near the number of people that Paul did during his two years of ministry in this area of Asia.  How much longer will I continue living a mediocre christian life for Christ?!  How long will I live in the comfort of my suburban home before I am convicted beyond all complacency to "go forth and make disciples" of those living in my circle of accountability?  Do i know if my neighbors are saved?  I'm pretty sure they're not.  How can I know?  Love them, love them some more, and then ask.  Push the conversations past talking about the weather and ask them about their spiritual backgrround.  INVEST IN THEM! 

I've noticed getting more and more pulled into to a christian bubble.  Not intentionally.  The demands of ministry with family and church occupy the majority of my time.  However, having coffee with a neighbor the other day and not knowing where she stands spiritually encouraged me that I do have time!  And then, my time in the Word today reading about Paul, has reminded me that I am not doing enough for the kingdom and for God's glory. 

I am praying big, asking God for mounds of opportunities to get to know my neighbors and move our conversations to a point where I share the story of His Son with them.  I want to be living for something beyond this lifetime, beyond this world.  A cause that trasncends time and space and this lifetime.  I want to be used by my Creator to do the things which He has created me to do!  He commands us all to "go forth and make disciples of all nations...."  I do not believe I have been obeying Him in this area of my spiritual life lately.  But I am inspired to change that!  And it starts tomorrow!  -Getting intentional.

Thank you Lord for using the words of Paul to motivate me to get missional on my street, my section of the neighborhood, and in my neighborhood as a whole.  Lord, homeschooling the kids doesn't leave me a whole lot of free time, but I am trusting that you would multiply my time so that I have pockets of opportunities to connet with ladies and just love on them and, if it's Your will, to share the gospel of Your Son, Jesus, with them.  I'm praying BIG God!  I'm asking to have 25 opportunities to share the gospel with women in my neighborhood over this school year.  Bring me 25 women with whom I can talk to about the life changing reality of Jesus Christ in order to give them the choice to accept you or reject you.  25 opportunities to share hope and assurance of salvation my neighbors.  Go ahead of me and bless those conversations, Lord.  Prepare the hearts of those women I talk to whom are lost and desperately searching for such a hope as only You can give.  Make my words clear and Your scripture flow from my mouth.  Paint a picture of your forgiveness and grace through me as only You can do.  I want to see You work, Lord!  I want to see life change!  Use me to carry out this mission of seeing every man, woman, and child hear the gospel!  Only through the power of Your very own Son, Jesus.  Amen.