Entitlement

This morning, as I was waiting for the church service to begin, I thought to myself, ' I haven't written in my blog in awhile.'  Then another thought followed, 'I haven't had anything to write about.'  As the sermon began, unbeknownst to me, so also began a lesson in which God would teach me and convict me well past the 30 minute sermon from the pastor.  The pastor, Buck, spoke on how "having a feeling of entitlement causes chaos."  Jesus entered into the scene of humanity to teach us that it's not about going around fighting over what we are entitled to, but rather, "what will you do with what you've been entitled to?"  Jn. 13:3 tells us that "Jesus knew..."  He knew that He was the most powerful person in the world that evening he had His last supper in a room with His twelve disciples.  He knew what He deserved, what His entitlement actually was; even when no one else around Him did.  And yet, He got down on His knees and He washed His disciples feet.  The very hands that healed sick people, made the blind see, and brought a dead little girl back to life were the same hands that willingly and selflessly washed men's dusty filthy feet right before they were to eat with their hands. 

For reasons I won't go into, I have been really struggling with my two year old daughter.  Because of her I feel strangled and suffocated, some days, beyond more than I can bear.  Lately, all I've felt in the midst of this is judgement by those closest to me for not showing my daughter more compassion, patience, and kindness; for not handling the situation with her in a way in which I should.  Today, while making the kids lunch at my mom's house down the street from ours, I was venting about that frustration that I feel towards my daughter and one family relative made a comment to me about how mean and hard I was being on her and I snapped at both my mom and my husband.  I snapped from all the times I've felt their faces of disapproval, judgement, and unhappiness with me over my struggle.  I snapped because I'm not perfect.  Not perfect in that I'm not always going to handle the strain, stress, and exhaustion that my daughter causes every day in a sinless selfless unconditionally loving way.  I snapped at how much more doting and babying they all become over my daughter in those times when I am cold towards her.  I blurted how how judged I felt by them in those times and how all alone I felt in my struggle when all I needed was their empathy and encouragement.  I began to cry and not wanting my kids to hear me or see me upset I left my mom's house to walk home to mine located just down the street. 

As I walked home, my thoughts began, 'all I want is for them to encourage me and tell me "I don't know how you do it everyday...all day!  I sure couldn't do it.'  And another thought followed, 'I deserve that much.'  And instantly, the Holy Spirit reminded me of what He taught me in the sermon just a couple hours earlier.  He reminded me by instantly asking this question in my head, "why do you feel that you are entitled to that?" what I understood that He meant by that was, 'who are you to think you deserve that?'

He was right.  I don't deserve anything.  None of us do.  And as a Christian of Jesus Christ, as someone whom everyday, is called to put on the full armor of God and live a life full of the Holy Spirit conveying the fruits of the Spirit, I am called only to serve others as Christ served (Mk. 16:15) and expect nothing in return.  I am called to love people as Christ loves them and loves me and gave Himself up for us; solely based on the fact that God loved us first and not because I get encouragement and empathy from people.  I am called to be compassionate, patient, kind and loving towards my daughter even when she's driving me insane because the insanity I feel is my own flesh, my own selfishness, my own feeling of entitlement in that moment rather than loving her as Christ loves her and seeing her deep emotional needs as an adopted child placed in a new environment and a new family only six months ago, as God sees her.  I am called to all this and so much more and I am entitled to nothing but that which God has seen fit to give me- this broken needy little girl.  And to ask myself the question, 'what will I do with whom I've been entitled to?'

I did apologize to my mom and my husband for snapping at them the way that I did.  And I spent the afternoon (after my daughters nap), playing, rolling, and laughing with my little girl.  And, as long as I look to Him and rely on Him, God gives me what I need one moment at a time.  She is still incredibly needy and relentlessly demanding of my attention, but I remember God's promise that "He has not given me more than I can bear."  I must simply choose to walk, and in this case, be a mother in the Spirit rather than the flesh. 

The cry of my heart to God, for this little girl, is that HE would make me the mother that she needs me to be and not her into the daughter that I need her to be for me.