Empty

Here I sit, 4:30 in the morning, staring at this blank screen, not even knowing what exactly to type.  I feel obligated to blog about happy things, so that those reading this (myself included) will be inspired, encouraged, and motivated.  But the truth is, I'm empty.  I have nothing to offer anyone; suppose we never do really.  But right now, in the quiet lonely hour of the night, I don't even want God.  I'm angry at God.  I'm angry.  I'm crushed; I ache to my bones.  I'm tired and empty.  I need peace. I need joy.  I have neither.  I'm giving up my dream of land.  My white flag is raised.  I quit.  I'm numb.  I don't care anymore.  Caring hurts too much.  Caring is too painful.  Caring leaves me sad and I'm tired of being sad.  I know my perspective is wrong and irrational.  Governed by these crazy things called hormones after just having had a baby and PPD is completely jacking with me right now.  I know I'm being selfish and a pessimist.  I know majority of people in our society want to be happy, to only hear about good things, and only focus on "positive things" and things that keep them upbeat and happy and I just don't care.  I'm not happy.  I've been holding onto a dream for 24 years.  One that is so rooted in the depths of my heart that giving it up has left me empty.  I've asked God to help me give it up joyfully.  I've asked Him to help me to want His will.  I've asked Him to move my heart to a place of contentment with whatever He calls me to.  But right now, in this moment, I'm not there.  Right now, I don't want anything to do with God.  I'm bitter and angry and feeling so desperately lost.  And I don't know how to get through this muck.  I don't know how to come through it a better person.  Right now, all I want is what I've dreamed for for over two decades now.  But I'm not to have that.  That much is very clear.  And I am left empty.