Update since "Empty"- A heart of Peace and Praise

I am so thankful for the blog entry I wrote a little over a year ago, titled, "And I Come Alive;"  it was about the property God blessed us with.  For on the eve of us having to sell what we'd hoped would be the land we would build our home on and being an emotional wreck over it, reading that blog gave me comfort and helped me have a godly eternal perspective that I was struggling blindly to grasp and that I might not have ever attained it had I not read what He had me sovereignly write a year and a month ago.  And excerpt of that blog:

"As we pulled up [to the property], unloaded [our tools out of] the van, and began walking down the worn out tire track make-shift driveway I could not stop smiling on my face from the joy that swelled up from the depths of my soul.  I put my arm around my Mom and I said to her, "Mom, I come alive here!"  I come alive here.  That is the best way I can describe it.  Everything I feel I was designed to be comes to LIFE on this property!  A wife who works alongside her husband outside on our future, a mother of several little ones who thrive in playing and also working alongside their parents in the canopy of the large old oaks as we're all touched by the cool breeze and serenaded by the birds of song.    Surrounded by the glory of His in the beauty of His creation.  And I come alive....  We have plans for our future; but they are just that, our plans.  They may never come to be as we desire the Lord's will above our own.  (Jeremiah 29:11 "For Iknow the plans I have for you...declares the Lord....")  After all, our lives are His first always.  We want to be in His will because that will be better than anything we decide and make for ourselves.  So we're planning to begin building in 10 months, but we're planning with an open hand metaphorically.  We're not clenching this dream in our hearts with a "closed fist" but rather placing that plan in an open hand knowing that at, any moment, God may desire to take that plan away for something else He has planned.  This causes tension within me to think about in the present- that our plan might not happen, but I know that if/when He calls us to whatever He has planned, He will prepare our hearts for it at the right time."

So, although we no longer have that land due to events out of our control and completely within HIS, I am grateful for the time we did have working it together as a family.  I am grateful for the retreat that visiting and working on it was.  I am grateful for the overwhelming joy it brought me.  I am grateful for the memories of exploring down the San Gabriel river that we did because the neighborhood had private access to it.  I am grateful to my God for that year of memories with my family; for the Lord gives and the Lord takes away.  

"The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised.”

Job 1:21b

Empty

Here I sit, 4:30 in the morning, staring at this blank screen, not even knowing what exactly to type.  I feel obligated to blog about happy things, so that those reading this (myself included) will be inspired, encouraged, and motivated.  But the truth is, I'm empty.  I have nothing to offer anyone; suppose we never do really.  But right now, in the quiet lonely hour of the night, I don't even want God.  I'm angry at God.  I'm angry.  I'm crushed; I ache to my bones.  I'm tired and empty.  I need peace. I need joy.  I have neither.  I'm giving up my dream of land.  My white flag is raised.  I quit.  I'm numb.  I don't care anymore.  Caring hurts too much.  Caring is too painful.  Caring leaves me sad and I'm tired of being sad.  I know my perspective is wrong and irrational.  Governed by these crazy things called hormones after just having had a baby and PPD is completely jacking with me right now.  I know I'm being selfish and a pessimist.  I know majority of people in our society want to be happy, to only hear about good things, and only focus on "positive things" and things that keep them upbeat and happy and I just don't care.  I'm not happy.  I've been holding onto a dream for 24 years.  One that is so rooted in the depths of my heart that giving it up has left me empty.  I've asked God to help me give it up joyfully.  I've asked Him to help me to want His will.  I've asked Him to move my heart to a place of contentment with whatever He calls me to.  But right now, in this moment, I'm not there.  Right now, I don't want anything to do with God.  I'm bitter and angry and feeling so desperately lost.  And I don't know how to get through this muck.  I don't know how to come through it a better person.  Right now, all I want is what I've dreamed for for over two decades now.  But I'm not to have that.  That much is very clear.  And I am left empty.